For the first time in a long time, I understood what it meant to learn to let go. It is crazy because it sounds so simple and yet it has eaten at my sanity for as long... as I have known to write in cursive. (Yes, third grade is when I learned I could hold grudges against classmates who stole my Goldfish!)
I have many pages covered in my own tears thinking I had it so bad and I would never love again. That is not the case! Someone please tell ten/fifteen/twenty-two year old Alyssa that my world does not actually revolve around whether my heart is broken or not.
See, I met someone. And he was wonderful. It was the kind of thing I definitely wrote about wanting and read about other people having but never really had myself. Yeah, I had been happy but this kind of feeling...it kept me giggling even when he wasn't around.
I would be doing something like cleaning feet sweat off a tanning machine thinking of this person and how goofy he was. I would really be looking like a damn fool laughing to myself thinking about him singing songs from "Nacho Libre."
Encarnación - Nacho Libre (10/10) Movie CLIP (2006) HD www.youtube.com
He was not afraid to be himself and it gave me courage to show the sides of me I didn't think were so pretty. I definitely felt like my fresh face was not something to share and he did not make me feel lesser or worry about it at all. With a new sense of trust, I think I caved in too fast. I ran through every red light I had ever made for myself and the rush was intoxicating.
Red light: Do not allow them in too deep.
I showed him movies that inspired me, shaped me as a young writer, showed him my favorite songs and allowed him into the deepest depths of my soul.
Red light: DO NOT show something you cannot take back.
Yes, taking your clothes off and sharing yourself with someone is intimate...but letting your walls down to share your bare soul with someone is INTIMATE.
I made the mistake of sharing parts of me I knew were going to hurt if he would run away from me. There are things that hurt to let others now and I trusted him enough to let him know. When he left, I felt like the essential parts of me that I shared were ripped from my own flesh left to rot on the floor. No, there was no rotting flesh, just my bare soul trying to heal yet again from showing weakness.
The thing for me is... it is not a weakness to show who I am. I think it is strength to share that with someone. The thing I think I did wrong was fail to realize, it is a privilege to know my soul; not a right.
Plot twist of all of this? I think he realized the exact same thing. For whatever reason, he kicked my ass straight to the curb. I went from feeling at home to get the hell out of my house!
I wasn't the only one afraid of letting someone in.
I wasn't the only one who didn't really know what to do when someone accepted the meat sack with a brain I call "Alyssa."
After all this time passed, we spoke to each other. And you know what sucks? I don't hate him but I don't particularly like him either. i wish I could dislike him. I wish I could tell him that he was a great person and he really sucked for not letting me experience and enjoy that for longer. Unfortunately, for a long time I failed to realize that...it does not matter how bad I want this person but the fact that this person does not want me.
It doesn't mean I'm not great. It doesn't mean I'm destined to be alone..forever (even though it really feels like that sometimes). It doesn't mean that we are sworn enemies.
All it means is I had this great opportunity to feel at home again with someone. It means the one he loves is a hot EDM babe who loves things I never knew anything about but that woman will.
Yes, I still hear his laugh in my head and I start laughing but it doesn't make me sad. I am able to call this goof my friend and I am so happy I was able to show him new things and experience what it meant for him to be happy.