George Weasley & the Grief Counselor

Ah, well this is a depressing start to a listicle. One of the saddest scenes in the series is obviously when one of the twins dies. In this dark and emotional novel, George Weasley sees a grief counselor. Was that spoiled in the title? Is it okay to spoil that in the title or is it kind of one of those things that would be described on the back cover? That seems irrelevant.

Anyways, yeah, the Grief Counselor is a witch doctor (a witch with a PhD, not one of those healers from Tanzania arrested for murdering albinos in 2015) and prescribes him some psych potions. Eventually he becomes addicted and instead of healthily coping with his brother’s death, he can’t focus on anything but scoring the next high (like my junkie pothead cousin Marcus). The rest of the story follows George on his trip to Tanzania to find a witch doctor (the murdering kind) to cure him of his addiction. Fun stuff.

Untitled Fred & George Buddy Sitcom

Seeing as the first spinoff gave me Tumblr PTSD (self-diagnosed disorder), let’s brighten things up. Hear me out: GHOST BUDDY SITCOM. That's right; the sitcom starts out with Fred becoming a ghost (how does one become a ghost, anyways?). He spends the first week haunting George, saying things like "Geooorge, why did you abandon meeee?" and George has to go to grief counseling. One day, Fred gets bored of that and he's just like "gotcha" and they have a big ol’ laugh, because George can appreciate the long con. The rest of the sitcom is just them hanging out and pranking Argus Filch, the way things should be.

Dudley Dursley & the Curse of the Nine-to-Five

Dudley had a weird childhood. After being a spoiled little interchangeable-four-letter curse-word (non-magical curse) for elevenish years, he found out his cousin was a wizard, had a pigs tail surgically removed, and moved out of his childhood home because his family was at risk of being murdered by Death Eaters. You have to imagine that when he discovered Harry was a wizard, he adopted the same jealous attitude his mother had when she found out Lily had magical powers, trying to cover it up with disgust.

After Dudley graduated from Little Whinging High and Little Whinging University, he got a job in the Little Whinging Office Park, doing menial Little Whinging paperwork. Dudley, now a bit more matured and completely bored of the rat race, reflects upon his cousin, almost with a bit of nostalgia; About the snowy owl he’d brought home, escaping in a flying car, and blowing up his meatball of an aunt, Marge. Dudley could only imagine what Harry was doing now as a full-fledged wizard, while he sat in his cubicle filing TPS reports.

In this story, we follow Dudley to the front door of Harry’s apartment (don’t ask me how he knows its location). The door opens, the Dursley boy is welcomed into the flat, and his life was never the same again.

Harry Potter & the Inevitable Affair

C’mon, we all knew this was bound to happen. I’m not even sure why, anymore. I think I blame Emma Watson for being Emma Watson, but I’ll disregard that. Ginny bored me, so naturally, she must bore Harry, and I’m totally not just saying that because I project myself onto the protagonists of young adult novels. Ron is cool and all, but his humor can only pique Hermione’s absurd level of intelligence for so long. Eventually, she’ll get bored and start eyeing Harry (i.e. Emma Watson eyeing me, Harry Potter), whose list of heroic accomplishments fills at least seven books. It then takes a very 50 Shades of Gray turn and there's a whole bunch of kinky wizard stuff that JK didn't get into, and I certainly can't get into it on this platform. Hmm, speaking kinky magic...

Mr. Weasley’s Non-Magic Novelties

“Tell me, what exactly is the use of a rubber duck?”

In this television show (à la Antiques Road Show), my boy, Arthur Weasley, presents muggle artifacts. That’s it. I don’t know how to explain this to you more. The dude just loves muggle stuff. I don’t know why! It’ll just be an hour of him explaining what non-magic folk do with tooth brushes and Keurigs and reddit. Give me a break; this muggle stuff bores me too.

Harry Potterotica

I just checked and we already have plenty of that. I regret it all.

Scared Straight: Azkaban

I think we’ve digressed from unlikely books to even more unlikely A&E series.

After Lord Voldemort’s final defeat, former Death Eaters who defected were pardoned and avoided stints in Azkaban, but they weren’t let off scot-free. In Scared Straight: Azkaban, the likes of Lucius Malfoy and others bearing the Dark Mark take a visit to the world’s most secure prison (except for the time that it wasn’t). The show’s producers immediately realize their mistake as Dementors attack three former Death Eaters and successfully perform the Dementor’s Kiss on one. The other two settle to an undisclosed amount of galleons.

We also have Death Eaters Anonymous, where former followers of the Dark Lord are court ordered into group therapy sessions where they work to uncover what went wrong in their childhoods that led them down such a dark path of violence and forearm tattoos.

Here, have some awful ideas I had that didn’t even deserve a paragraph: Hagrid gets a show on Animal Planet. Moaning Myrtle’s coming of age tale where she goes and hangs in the boy’s room. The Gilderoy Lockhart Story. Seamus Finnegan gets a Youtube channel where he blows things up. Cho Chang does boring Cho Chang things.

Well, aren’t you happy you read that? To make up for it, I’ll write a bonus fan fiction of ONE of these, so choose wisely.