When I was fifteen, I found out that my high school boyfriend and I did “kinky stuff.” Oh, you didn’t know that about me? Well, have you heard that I’m also a bitch, and a slut? I didn’t know that either, but other people said that about me, so it must be true.
OK, so you get my point. That stuff isn’t true. Despite the fact that when I was 15, I was horse crazy, wore braces, and my boyfriend was in the marching band, those are real words that people said about me behind my back. I’m not claiming to be any special victim; if you’re a girl and you went to high school, you’ve probably experienced the exact same accusations, and maybe some that are worse.
I’ve always had a really big problem with gossip. I was only eleven years old the first time my own friend said something mean about me behind my back. It was devastating for me. I experienced this whole culture shock because I realized that words can be used as weapons and they hurt.
I think we should call a spade a spade and start referring to “gossip” as what it is: harassment, slander, and bullying.
I used to think that some gossip was hurtful, but some was also harmless. When you’re with your girlfriends and know a really juicy bit of gossip you just can’t wait to share, who are you hurting if the people who are involved will never hear about it? Right?
Well...wrong. For one, I think nine times out of ten, the people we talk about end up finding out sooner or later, no matter how much we trust the people with which we exchange gossip. But more importantly, gossip represents a much larger issue, and that is: gossip is a form of misogyny.
When was the last time you heard someone tearing apart a guy behind his back? It happens occasionally, and we have equally vicious names for boys as we do for girls, but the effects never see to be as devastating, and the motives never seem to be as malicious.
The fact that girls feel the need to tear each other apart is a reflection of the hateful attitude toward women that our society encourages. Girls hate on each other because they hate themselves.
I think that saying something mean about someone, even if it’s true, is never appropriate. I don’t care if that girl stole your boyfriend. I don’t care if she’s sleeping with your ex. I don’t care if she said something mean or untrue about you first. The fact that someone hurt your feelings does not justify being a mean person.
So what does that make people who do say mean things? I don’t think I’m using a blanket statement when I say that they’re unhappy. Happy girls don’t say mean things about other girls. They just don’t.
Unfortunately, I think the most lasting effect of gossip is when words are exchanged that are exaggerated or blatantly untrue. One of the most defeating feelings in the world is hearing something about yourself that is false because you feel as though you need to defend your right just to exist.
I remember in high school feeling like the gossip that I heard about was almost like a TV show. We were so young that almost all conflict seemed, to some extent, shallow and not real, so believing it or even spreading it seemed harmless to me. However, I’ve learned that when we choose to say things that are untrue, exaggerated, or from an unreliable source, we put people’s real lives at risk. Spreading rumors isn’t some shallow game. It affects people’s real lives.
The reality is that there are times when people are going to say things about you that aren’t true. People are going to say mean and nasty things, and other people are going to believe them. But you know what? When someone chooses to say something nasty, that’s a reflection of that person and never you.
My life is far less dramatic than my bullies have made it out to be. If all the words people said about me were true, I would probably be a lot more interesting than I really am.
So ladies (and gents), let’s try to keep it classy. The words that we say to each other and about each other are powerful. The words that we say matter. When we speak, we have an opportunity to either do harm or do good. When we choose to say only kind words, we choose to make the world a little kinder.
