Sometimes I wish life worked like a novel, because with novels things usually work themselves out. You never really know when it's going to get better but you know at some point it has to. This is because stories, especially fiction, have a set formula. There's a beginning, a middle and an end. In the middle of the story is where you encounter problems and the process of figuring a way out begins, in literature this is your rising action and climax. The resolution is always the ending and most stories end on a positive note.

In life... there is no such thing as any of that. Life is like a complicated web where things just weave together to create bigger problems. You can snip some of the webs and kind of unravel your way out but not always. I have recently found myself in a tangle I'm afraid I'll never escape, I've lost one of the most important people in my life and I can only speculate as to why.

It's easy to drive one's self crazy trying to figure out the answer to an impossible equation, that's why it's impossible. I met my best friend about ten years ago, when I was in 7th Grade.I met her through my sister on the 4:15 school bus. I had stayed back for help with my classes and she used to stay back just to hang out in the library. She drew pictures of a cartoon we both shared an equal love for and that cartoon stemmed our earliest conversations. She was always an amazing artist and she continues to be today.

I remember being so ecstatic about having a new friend, someone who didn't bully me, someone who actually liked me for me. I didn't have to pretend around her, it was great. Growing up I had the toughest of times with friends, everyone always hated me and I got bullied relentlessly. It was an awful experience which made me super grateful to be able to have a friend for a change. I used to get really excited about taking the 4:15 bus home just for the chance to talk to her. The days I did talk with her were my favorites.

At that time, she belonged to another group which I loosely knew, they had completely different interests from me but I still worked hard to be friends with them. Eventually that friend and I hung out outside of school and quickly got close. It was great, she would sometimes walk and knock for me with another of our friends and we would try and do sleepovers where we could. It was one of the happiest times of my life. I created a lot of memories with her and we helped each other through the toughest times.

When she left my school, we kept in touch but as we got older, we both changed but we always stayed close, it wasn't until college that I slowly sank down a dark hole, one that was really hard to climb out of. She was a year older than me and raved about a small school named Lock Haven University. A school we both proudly graduated from but not without a thousand battle scars.

I entered what I can only describe as a deep depression after my first year of college. Things got tough, suddenly I had to start becoming a real adult and I had less time to do the things I wanted to do. I flipped out a lot about my situation, I worried about everything. My low self-esteem became unbearable, I was constantly down on myself and I swore I'd never amount to anything and I was going to be the biggest disappointment for my parents. She was going through her own tough changes. Her family had endured a lot in the short span of the ending of high school and beginnings of college, so she too wasn't in the best of positions.

We were nightmares in our own ways and we both handled things badly. We had so many nights of either cry fests or angry freak outs. This was NOT the way we should of handled our emotions or spent our college years. We should have talked to the counselor on campus more than we did, it may have helped. After college ended... our friendship ended and it was probably one of the worst moments I've ever experienced.

To be ripped away from the one person who I'd shared so much with, the one person I'd made the most memories with, the one person I went through the most crap with, it was an awful experience. It is one I wish I could change, if only I had the power to do so.

Perhaps the first mistake was going to the same college and the second mistake was rooming together. The funny part is, she warned me when I got to school that, that might not be the best of ideas and everyone else was weary. I admit, I was on the fence too but it was a very tempting offer and at first it was perfect. Two best friends rooming together is usually a make or break experience mine was the latter unfortunately. I think we were both so concerned about spending time together that we actually spent too much time together, never giving the other the freedom to breathe.

We snapped at each other all the time over the stupidest stuff and I know we tried to control what each other did too much, even if we were just trying to help. I think I went overboard with trying to look out for her, even more than her. I guess I was too concerned, at the end of the day everything was her decision to make because it affected her, not me. I don't know if anyone was at fault truly but I know I blame myself anyway.

I look back at how I acted and am horrified by it. I wish I had dealt with my emotions better and not been bothered by little things. It would have helped both of us in our fragile states. Maybe then I would have handled my emotions better after school ended too.

I got freaked after school when it seemed my best friend got super busy. I think I overreacted in a lot of the situations and forced myself to believe she was ignoring me when I don't think she truly was. I was too sensitive and tried to hang on too much. I probably made her fed up with me and I really wish I would have taken a deep breath and stepped back. Maybe then she'd still be in my life.

All I want for Christmas is my best friend back, I don't need anything else, just that. If someone could give me my best friend back then that would be the greatest Christmas gift ever. The silence between me and her is killing me and while I've been forced to accept it, I still miss her more than anything. I wish we had a mediator or something to help talk things over, figure out where things went wrong. All I want is one conversation and a chance to make things right with her.

And so, to my best friend, if you ever see this or hear about this, I just want you to know I'm sorry. I wish you didn't hate me so much now and I wish you'd give me a second chance. I'm going to miss our five hour long phone conversations about the silliest things, I'm going to miss our inside jokes, our goofy stories. I'm going to miss reminiscing together about our oldest memories and I'm going to miss sharing our obsessions together.

I'm so sad we won't get to experience all the adult stuff coming our way together. I always thought we would, I swore our kids would call each of us "Aunt." I swore we'd be 50 and still talking about our old games and stories. I never imagined my life without you, I wish I could tell you personally how sorry I am. You were a sister to me, part of my family and while we didn't go on trips together like classic best friends, we still were a major part of each other's families.

If you ever see this and remember my handmade cards, I meant every word in them. I'll never find someone as amazing as you and I hope someday we cross paths again. I hope one day you will reach out and not be so angry with me. I wish I could apologize better for whatever I did that made you walk away but I'm sorry for whatever the last straw was. I'm sorry I entered a dark place, I'm sorry for not being the friend you deserved throughout college, I'm sorry if I hurt your family, I'm sorry for writing or saying anything that upset you, I'm sorry for seeming controlling and I'm just sorry our friendship ended on a bad note. I thought after college, nothing could tear us apart but it seems I was wrong.

I hope we speak again someday, I'll miss you forever, I wish you all the best luck in the world. You're going to be someone, I just know it. I wish I could see who it is you'll be. I really am sorry for taking our friendship for granted, you really don't know what you've got till it's gone.