The older I get, the more I realize and recognize my flaws. What it comes down to is that my anxiety rules my life and every interaction I have. I know how difficult it must be to be with me, but I can and will love you with all my heart because that's just who I am.
It's hard to be with me because I will need constant reassurance. Each day I will wake up questioning if you really care for me or if you have some ultimatum.
It's hard to be with me because it will take me weeks, months, maybe even years to be truly comfortable with you.
It's hard to be with me because I will talk your ear off for hours about anything and everything. It won't all be important, but I might "quiz" you later.
It's hard to be with me because I will ask you what you did each day. When you say, "Nothing," I will say, "So you stopped breathing?" I will want to know everything you did, just because it will help me understand you more.
It's hard to be with me because I will actually care about the things you get excited about, but I will probably become obsessive about them.
It's hard to be with me because you will get mad at me, and it will give me an anxiety attack. I won't know exactly what set it off, and neither will you.
It's hard to be with me because I will cry about the stupidest things in the stupidest situations. Often I won't even know why I'm crying. I'll tell you I'm fine, but you'll know better.
It's hard to be with me because I will insist that I don't care about things when I really do. I will insist that I am "letting you in" but always feel ashamed of the small things. You will have to pry my innermost insecurities out of me.
It's hard to be with me because I will use humor as a self-defense mechanism. But what's so bad about that? I'm funny!
It's hard to be with me because I will trust you wholeheartedly while also doubting every single kind word you say to me.
Still, though, I will say I love you after each and every fight we have, even if I'm still mad. I know how much it hurts to not know if your partner still loves you. I might not completely open up, but I will tell you so much about myself. If you fail a "quiz," I will only take it as the fact that I need to tell you again, and that's okay. I want you to truly understand me.
In the same way, I want to understand you. What you care about, I'll care about too. Also, any time I have an anxiety attack, you'll be the only person I want to hold me. In return, I'll be there for you through anything. I'll drop everything at a moment's notice for you.
Every day I will do whatever it takes to show you that you're cared for. You will be the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing when I fall asleep. I will be your biggest fan, cheering you on in every aspect of your life. Giving you space will be hard, but I'll do it because I know how much you will go through to handle me.
I will know that I'm hard to love, but I will also know that I am worth the effort.
