Truth be told, there are perks to being born first. There are tons more baby pictures of you. You’re the oldest. You get the later curfew (sometimes). You experience everything before your younger counterpart. You can provide advice as the hardened pioneer who went through life first and knows how it feels to grow up.

But something else that happens (and it’s not just with me) is the problem of expectation. The problem of leaving big shoes to fill to someone who has no interest in filling them. What happens when you’re starting grad school and your little brother is consistently failing high school math? When you’re a bookworm and he has to be bribed to read?

Of course, this can come off as a way for me to boast my achievements. But I’m not. I’m reaching out to those who have unintentionally and inadvertently cast a big shadow in their wake, and who now are dealing with the inevitable guilt that comes with it. We don’t want to pressure anyone to do everything we’ve done. What kind of older siblings would we be if we did?

When older siblings turn out to be high-achieving perfectionists who don’t have enough bookshelf space for all the novels they’ve read, parents tend to think their job is done, and expect the youngins to effortlessly follow suit. Here’s a secret: that never happens. What that assumption does is make the both of us feel bad for different reasons. I feel bad for setting the bar high. My brother feels bad (in his way) for having his own identity. Why should he? Because I like reading and he likes video games? Is that any way to set him up for confidence?

Let’s be better older brothers and sisters. Let’s break the mold birth order forced us into. It’s starts with a simple, “You are you. You don’t have to be like me.”