Today is National Coming Out Day. Many people will post support on social media, share their own stories, or like a friend’s post. Until this year, it has been a day when I wanted so badly to speak up, to share my story, and to be visible, but was terrified. But now I’m ready. I’m not ashamed to say that I’m gay. While I believe that sexuality is fluid and sometimes I feel more comfortable with the term queer or with no label at all, I’m generally pretty comfortable saying that I am gay.
I’m sure the first question a lot of people will be wondering is when I knew I was gay. This is a complicated question. While in elementary school I didn’t consciously have crushes on girls, I can now look back to people I just thought were so cool at the time, and realize that those attractions were crushes. I remember writing a diary entry thinking that I might be attracted to girls in the 9th grade, and that summer, I had what could be considered my first real crush on a girl. From that point, my feelings started making more sense. Throughout high school, I identified as bisexual with a preference for females, but only came out to about three people.
I went to high school in a conservative area, and was extremely involved with an agricultural leadership program that attracted some of the most outspokenly conservative students. Everyone always knew I was liberal, and while many people did not agree with my beliefs, we still stayed friends and respected each others opinions. Many of my classmates were homophobic and made extremely rude judgements and comments about LGBT people. While I stood up for “them,” I wanted so badly to be able to say that those comments were about people like me. I became friends with many of the “weird” people in the program that were often ignored. These were not the close-minded “rednecks” that many people saw as the face of our program. Several girls came out to me. As the president of the organization, I could have been someone they could look up to, but I chose to stay closeted. I now regret not being out because of the impact I could have had on so many people’s lives, but at the time, coming out did not seem like an option.
I felt so alone and trapped. I wanted so badly to live authentically and honestly and just be myself. I was so scared that if I came out, I would be rejected and bullied by people in my organization, lose respect of people in my circle, and that my life would completely change. All I wanted was to be a leader, and I decided to not stir the pot. I am proud that now I am a leader, and a better one, by being my true self.
The spring of my senior year and the summer after was when I realized that I am gay. I was having a conversation about sexuality with one of my best friends who I had been out to as bisexual since sophomore year. I don’t completely remember the conversation, but I remember talking about how I liked guys, but wasn’t really physically attracted to them or romantically attracted. She was confused, how could I like guys if I wasn’t attracted to them? I realized that while I liked being in relationships with guys, it was because of the relationship part, not the guy part. I liked having someone to always talk to and hang out with, and I had only experienced that with males before. I was so scared to accept myself as gay, and when I finally did, it was like I was hit by a train. Everything made sense, and it was terrifying. I spent the summer considering whether I would tell people or not, and a few weeks before I left for college, I told my parents.
It was not the ideal “I told my parents and nothing changed” situation everyone hopes for when coming out. I was lucky that unlike many, I was not kicked out or cut off from my parents. Saying that my mom did not take it well was an understatement. The night I came out to her, she refused to tell me that she loved me, which was hard. She said and did a lot of hurtful things in that time, and outed me to my siblings and other people without my consent. Luckily, my dad and my siblings all had more positive reactions. While my mom still may not be completely supportive, she is growing and becoming more accepting.
People who know me and read this may be surprised or confused. You may have known me in a relationship with a man, seeming happy and perfectly content in the relationship. But the truth is, liking men is just not natural for me. Whenever I date guys, every time I have been in a relationship with a man, I had to try so hard to be attracted to him. While I can truly care about and like being around a guy, I can only ever love them in the same way I love my best friends and family. I like the relationship, the compliments, the attention, and the companionship, but I don’t fully value the man, which is by no means fair to him. A relationship should feel natural. It should be because both of the people in it truly want to be in it and are attracted to each other, not because one person feels pressure, or likes being in relationships.
Being in my second year of college at a very liberal school, coming out to people is rarely a big deal. I’ve learned to be comfortable with myself, and my sexuality does not seem as big of a deal as it did when I was in high school. It is just a part of me, and not the most important one. I have no idea who in my life will read this, but at this point, I’m ready for everyone to know. I am so confident with myself and who I am. While I used to not think I would ever come out, and definitely not date women, I am finally at a point where I am excited for my future. I am proud of how far I’ve come, and I welcome people to contact me with any questions. Whether you’re out, not out yet, or a supporter, happy National Coming Out Day!
