I have been taking the last few days and am ambitious of the days that follow with the purpose of learning to love myself again. I tried thinking about the moment in which I stopped, but there wasn’t a single moment that shaped this view of myself; it was a gradual process. Once I came to college I started on a downward spiral. Since then, the falling never stopped. I didn’t realize I was sliding down but during this past year, it’s gotten worse. I started taking medication that I lost myself in. Each pill was a different person I didn’t know. And it’s hard to love someone you don’t know anything about. A new person is unpredictable and can’t be trusted. So, I started to lose that love for myself. To not trust myself alone.
In the past year, I can’t think of a time when being alone wasn’t tainted with fear and loneliness. I convinced myself that being alone only lead to negative things. I was even afraid of being alone when I slept. My bed became this scary place because all my worst moments were spent in it. I would use whatever I could to distract myself from thinking and I thought I needed friends to be happy. I tried keeping my mind busy, but I still had those nights when loneliness crept in. Then I realized, I’ll never be able to totally hide from this part of me. There will always be nights among the lonely sky where I can’t control my thoughts. To counter these thoughts, I knew I needed to love myself. To be happy wasn’t about hiding, but accepting and loving all of me.
So, I decided to do that today. To find that love once again. I knew it was somewhere buried deep within me. I want to learn how to lay on my bed in silence. To think freely and not be afraid of the direction it goes in. I want to learn everything about myself like that of a significant other. To build that trust within myself and love it unconditionally. I realized it’s the only way I can possibly be happy. Although it may be a treacherous uphill battle of emotions, I know the view will be worth it. I'll be able to look down at the beauty I created.
