"Today, surrounded by people who love us, I choose you to be my partner. I am proud to be your spouse and to join my life with yours. I vow to support you, push you, inspire you, and above all love you, for better or worse, in sickness and health, for richer or poorer, as long as we both shall live."
Groom: "I do."
Bride: "I do."
Fast-forward through the Honeymoon period, the first few years (possibly decades) of married life, and creating a family, and suddenly...the two people that promised to be married through good times and bad, are signing papers verifying that they no longer wish to remain married...
Divorce.
The "D" that people do not like talking about. The term that rips families apart and creates hostility between the two sides. But why? Understandably, every divorce is different: the cause, the people involved, and the effects. One thing is consistent with each divorce, there is or was love. There is no rule stating that divorced couples have to be enemies, talk poorly about their ex, and never speak again. If that's what the couple chooses to do, fine. However, when there are years of memories, and children involved, it seems a bit extreme to throw that all away. But, who am I to give my opinion? I've never been divorced. I've never been married. I am, as people have so kindly referred to me as, a "product" of divorce. We are not a product of divorce, rather the product of the years of love and marriage that were shared. I like to think of children of divorce as a souvenir for their parents to remember the happy times of the marriage.
On November 23, 1991, twenty-five years ago this week, my parents vowed to spend their lives together. They had known each other since they were five and six-years-old. My mom asked my dad to her Junior Prom in 1983, and the rest is history. They were married in 1991, they had my sister in 1993, and then I came in 1995, a few months before they decided to split. Their divorce has never been a widely discussed topic. We were always told at a young age that they "fell out of love". We never asked questions and we certainly never heard one parent speak poorly of the other. They were and are still the best of friends. Our parents became the exception to the norm that divorced couples can't be civil, let alone friends.
I forget that my parents are divorced sometimes because it is just our way of life. I become defensive when I hear non-divorced adults, talk about children of divorce as if it is a deficit. Yes, divorce can have a negative impact on children. Similarly, parents who are constantly arguing or not supportive of their spouse and children, can as well. Our parents learned to be excellent communicators. They kept each other informed as to how school was going when events were taking place, and if someone was not acting as she should. They were on the same page and discipline was enforced. Dad may not have lived under the same roof as us, but he was only a phone call and car ride away from making sure that we followed Mom's rules. People seem to think that children with divorced parents do not get disciplined and are out of control. I am sure that is true in some situations, as it is true with children of married parents. Dad did like to make us Mint Chocolate Chip milkshakes and rent Blockbuster movies during our weekends together, but he was sure to implement the same rules as Mom. They were on the same team, even though she no longer had his name.
Divorce can be dinners with the new significant others, the children, and the exes. It may be a little awkward at first, but hey, you're all family. Divorce can be sitting together at graduations, chorus concerts, and basketball games. Divorce can be attending a family function for your ex's side to show support for your children. Divorce can be making a phone call to your ex because the child is not listening and needs to know that you are on the same page. Divorce does not have to be slamming doors, quick drop-offs at the meeting spot, and only seeing each other from across the football field at graduation. It doesn't have to include shunning the other at every mutual function. Divorce, at the end of the day, means that you didn't work out as husband and wife, but you have years of memories and children to keep you united.
My sister and I were happy, well-adjusted children who knew that all three of our parents loved us unconditionally. Sure, we dealt with bumps in the road, that children of married parents would not have to deal with, however, we got through them with the support of our parents. We knew that our parents valued their time with us because we did not get to see both of them every day. More importantly, we knew that they loved and respected each other.
To this day, I would say that my parents are best friends. They call each other for favors, advice, and to share stories all the time. They are there for each other during a loss in the family or for a celebration. They respect one another and are the first to call the other out if there is a disagreement. They know each other better than anyone else does. They may not be married anymore, however, they have stayed committed to each other and kept their vows, "to support you, push you, inspire you, and above all love you, for better or worse, in sickness and health, for richer or poorer, as long as we both shall live." Divorce does not mean that they can't love and support each other anymore, and my parents are a prime example. So, happy 25th anniversary to the best-divorced couple I know. I love and appreciate both of you (and Dave for being so accepting of this strange relationship), more than you will ever know. I love our blended family.
