hab·it (noun) - a settled or regular tendency or practice, especially one that is hard to give up.

I have not written an article in a while, but this has been something that has been on my mind for a very long time now and I need some nice little escape to talk it out. Normally I just give my opinion on a broad subject and end (hopefully) with a call to action because I know we have the ability to change things in our lives.

This is not one of those articles. While I may use a generality here and there to help my point, this is a solitary article. I bring it up, if only to shed light and possibly make other believe that it's okay to feel this way. With enough of an explanation, here goes nothing.

We all have our habits. Mostly bad, but some good, though those are rarely discussed. We bite our nails, chew with our mouths open, put our elbows on the table, the list goes on. We settle into these and we tell ourselves every New Years Eve that we will break these habits and be better about them, and then somehow we always settle back into them. We get so used to this practice we do repeatedly that it is almost impossible to give up. Which is where the real trouble beings.

I am a creature of habit. However, my habits are not just mild inconveniences to the people around me. My habits are self destructive. I have developed a strong tendency to ruin good things that happen in my life. I say this not for any form of sympathy, I don't deserve that, but because I have screwed up enough times to know that there is a pattern in my behavior. I get something good going for me, something that is not only a positive influence on my life, but has the possibility to make me better. I keep this up for a while, and can sometimes even see the change that it has made for me. And then there's this little voice in the back of my head, think of it as an anti-conscience, that keeps telling me that I was better off before. And before I know it, I found a way to ruin the good thing in my life and I end up right back where I started.

Now normally when it comes to a habit, either people don't know they have the bad habit, or they know about it and try to fix it. My issue is I know about my habits, and what terrifies me is that I don't readily know how to fix it. It's a solitary and humbling feeling when you need help, but the thing you need saving from is yourself.

Most of my friends will tell you that I am incredibly hard on myself. I have a few friends that have even told me that I confuse them because I am equal parts cocky as shit, and self deprecating. That I am sure of myself, but constantly feel that I am the worst type of person. I am this way because I know I do bad things. I know I have tendencies to not be a great person. And I'll be the last person to ever really ask for help, but I need it. I want who I am underneath to define me, and not the things I do.

I say all this not as an excuse for the fact that I mess up. I say this to simply say that I am trying to change. This school year I have tried to make some positive changes in my life, and I just want to say that I am trying.

We all need help sometimes right? Biggest struggle we face is having to ask. We can break our habits. I can break my vicious cycle. We just have to start somewhere.