For over 2 years I've been so agitated, obsessed with going to the gym persistently - going 6-7 days consecutively. I was always so concerned with the way I looked. I had convinced myself that my waist could not exceed 27 inches, the measurement around my butt had to be at a minimum of 40 inches, and my weight could not be any higher than 118 lbs. This had been my exact measurement for these past 2 years. Just recently, I noticed that going to the gym had become more of a chore than a passion as it had once been. It ate away at my happiness and it had started to stress me out.

Counting calories after calories, measuring my body, and weighing myself eventually took a toll. My life revolved around my looks. Going to the gym came before everything. I couldn't eat what I wanted to eat when going out with family and friends - every meal I ate was low carb and protein dense, or I'd just order a plate full of vegetables. My breakfast, lunch, and dinner were the same almost every day: 2 eggs and an Oiko's triple zero greek yogurt for breakfast, fruits for lunch, and a protein dense dinner. Cheat meals were NEVER an option for me. Before hanging out with my friends, it was necessary for me to hit the gym beforehand - regardless of how early that may be. After lifeguarding in the beating sun and intensive heat, I'd make sure to make it to the gym no matter how tired I was. I lived off of preworkout and caffeine pills to keep my energy up. I was not the only one affected by this lifestyle and I finally realized it.

During this past week or so I've decided to stray away from my intense regime. The first few days were hard knowing that I would not be stepping foot into a gym for the next few weeks. I started off eating less than I originally had eaten - at no more than approximately 1,000 calories. However, as the week progressed I had finally been able to enjoy a guilt-free meal of Mexican and Italian along with more ice cream any person could imagine. Slowly but surely I've accepted that food is not an enemy. I've finally had a donut, a whole bagel, candy/sweets, and even fast food. Progress, of course, was slow; althought I did regret eating these "unhealthy" foods, I did not feel that extreme guilt as I would have. My psychological output of eating vs working out and eating vs not working out had changed. My body had not changed one bit but I know, of course, that this cannot be a lifestyle. I'm just grateful that I mustered the courage to try it out and feel safe with myself.

What's in it for the future? I've decided that instead of setting a calorie limit, I'd set a calorie range: no lower than 1,250 but no more than 1,700. I will allow myself cheat days (at least once every 2 weeks). I will no longer measure myself every other week but instead, love the way I look. My measurements will no longer define me.