Being a 20-year-old girl and trying to figure out what’s going on in my head a majority of the time is harder than solving a Rubik's cube while blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back. I often get my love advice from Grey’s Anatomy, and seeing that I’ve been single for over two years, it is very evident how well that is working for me. Throughout these past two years I have found myself in that awkward stage of dating a boy and really liking him, but before he can become my boyfriend, I freak out and cut him out of my life completely. Most of the time it is not because of something the guy actually did, it is more of me playing out crazy scenarios in my head and deciding that I am better off without him. So unlike most articles, I am not here to tell everyone how horrible all guys are, I am here to apologize to all the guys I freaked out on.

I’m sorry I brought you around. I thought I was finally emotionally mature enough to handle a relationship; I wasn’t. I’m sorry I thought I had had enough late night conversations with my best friends discussing where I went wrong in previous endeavors to know the right decisions to make in this relationship; I didn’t. I thought I had broken down the walls that I had built up higher than The Empire State Building, that do not allow you to stand a chance against my crazy assumptions; I haven’t. You may have been honest and true when you said you liked me and were interested in beginning a relationship with me, but I will never not question you when you say it. My past experiences and society influence me to never trust guys wholeheartedly.

I am even more sorry to the guy I actually let see my soul. I know you thought you had won some battles in overcoming my walls, only to find out you had barely made a dent. I laughed with you like you were my best friend and even shared a secret or two that most people do not know. There were moments when we were hanging out that I could feel my walls breaking down and was coming to the realization I actually liked you. I was beginning to believe, but my doubts and suspicions would not allow that, and just as quickly as it happened, I would find a reason to shut you out. I am so sorry I emotionally freaked out on you. I wasn’t ready, and nothing you could have done would have prevented it.

I want to say thank you for your patience and staying around as long as you did. I know that I am a difficult person to deal with, and it is even more difficult to have somebody make false accusations against you. You were brave for thinking that you could be the one to change my heart. Even though we do not speak now, I want you to know you have my respect more than ever. No matter what I did or said, you were nothing less than kind and gracious. Thank you for being an example to me of the things I need to work on. Our fling or whatever it was, will help shape me into the woman I need to become, so thank you for letting me emotionally freak out on you.