“____ is happening because you’re always on that phone!”

“Maybe if you weren’t on the Facebooks so much....”

“Can you help me (insert easy social media-related computer task)?”

If you’re in regular contact with the elderly, (40 and up) you have probably heard them utter one of these phrases before. I think it’s time we break it down for them. If you say things like “the good old days” or “What is a tweeter?”—keep reading. If you’re cool, young, hip, and tech savvy—find an adult immediately and ask them to look at it (or just read it out loud to them, because chances are they’ll forget where they put their glasses).

Social media seems like a scary thing, I know. However, if you really give it a chance, you’ll see that no one can steal your credit card just by retweeting. I understand you probably don’t want to make an account but you should at least have general knowledge of the subject so you can keep up with your kids, grandkids, or the cool neighborhood teens that you’re afraid to admit slightly intimidate you.

Facebook: Like Maria from "The Sound of Music" said, “Let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start,” (a nostalgic reference for you). Facebook is the dinosaur of social media creation; it was around when nothing else was. You’re probably most familiar with this type because it’s what people your age are currently “discovering.” It’s the hot and upcoming social media platform for teachers, grandfathers, “cool aunts,” and those nosy friends you went to high school with. For my generation, Facebook is merely a hard drive to place our plethora of photos that didn’t make the cut for our Instagram. For your people, it’s basically TMI.com, (sorry, I forgot my audience—that means “too much information”), where people post statuses containing their unwanted political opinion and albums with the titles “Baby’s First Christmas” and “Our Trip to Wine Country!” If you’re dying to get your toes wet, start slow with Facebook; but remember, please don’t create a joint account with your spouse.

Twitter: Twitter is like a Facebook status but shorter. Due to its character limit, “funny” people from around the world engage in a daily contest called “who can be the wittiest in fewer words.” You’ll laugh at some and cringe at others. Twitter also serves as a quick way to get news updates (AKA: Fox News Updates for all you grandparents out there.) It’s perfectly okay for seasoned adults like yourself to browse Twitter—it’s your given right. But when it comes to creating your own tweets...let’s face it, no old person can get out what they have to say in 140 characters. You’re used to hand-written letters where the only restraint is if your quill is running out of ink.

Instagram: Ah, Insta. One of my personal favorites. Instagram is a site where you post a photo. Not an album, not a video. One, solid, cool photo that the poster put more time and effort into than they did their job application. This platform is better run by high schoolers. They are masters of the Instagram post and make even us college students feel inferior. If you aren’t hip, (I can take a wild guess that you’re not) just steer clear. It’s better if you not only refrain from posting, but also from interacting. Believe it or not, your child’s closest friends don’t want you commenting “cute” on every single one of their photos.

Snapchat: This one poses the most confusion for senior citizens. Basically, Snapchat is a way to send incriminating photos of yourself, (and by incriminating I mean with a triple chin and no makeup) without them being saved because they disappear in ten seconds. I can sense your panic—no, having a Snapchat doesn’t mean someone is watching you through your phone camera and selling the footage online. The only people watching your Snapchats besides those to whom you send them to, is the government—and I’m sure you’re boring them to death anyway.

I hope you’ve learned something today. If you have any questions, feel free to text me—but please do not use so many periods! It’s not like you’re being graded on it. Have a good day, and don’t forget, your kids are probably posting terrible things on these dangerous sites as we speak!