It's 8 p.m., and although the world around me continues to turn at its normal pace, I find myself already in bed-nowhere near ready to fall asleep, but regardless I lay here, thinking. My thoughts are running away from me, too fast for me to catch up. I'm not sure why they are racing so fast, or even where they are going. All I know is what they are about. These haunting thoughts are about my life, and more specifically what my future holds for me after graduating from college. To be fair, I still have about a year and a half to figure something out, but the pressure of this task is making it quite impossible for me to focus. Instead, I have sleepless nights and anxious days in which I'm continuously questioning how I'm living at this very moment, and if the decisions I am making are going to drown me in the future.
Let's face it, how many college students have an exact plan for their lives? Most of us are wandering around, making impulse decisions about everything - we never stop to let logic override emotion. Maybe you shouldn't have gone out the night before a test you thought didn't matter. "Why not skip class?" you think to yourself, "I only do it a couple times." Well, you shouldn't be skipping class or going out before an exam. As minute as these acts might seem right now, they will lead to consequences, and those consequences are what keep me up at night. No one wants to think about the reality of growing up, how in a few years the reigns that have been guiding you through adolescence are going to be cut, and your life and future become completely up to you.
No one told me growing up was this grim. How the thought of walking across that stage is both exciting and terrifying- how my knees are buckling at the mere thought of it. I am overflowing with envy for those who have their life together, who skip around with a smile on their faces and ready to greet adulthood with an open embrace.
The reality of growing up is harsh, and my compass always seems to be broken- everything constantly seems to be pointing south, and I have no idea how to fix it. All I know is how on some days I wish I could take a quick peek into the future in order to ease my racing mind and bring me peace on those sleepless nights.
Here's to adulthood, I guess. May we all wonder into success and not be scared to live.
