Anxiety And Life
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Anxiety And Life

I grew up feeling different

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Anxiety And Life
Payton Stark

Some people seem to be born with an uneasy spirit. Plagued by anxiety that comes at an early age and never seems to leave them, but rather, follows them to their graves. Throughout my life I have always felt a undertone of uneasiness and dissatisfaction. Growing up I always thought different than others around me and my concerns were often those that kids my age didn't care for. I've always been a very deep person, which is great in that I was already thinking about things such as philosophy and life in general. But often, my thinking felt like the death of me. I was already a sensitive kid, as in things that were not right disheartened me. But, being sensitive and than on top of that seeming to have a one track mind you can see how a kid could ruin parts of his childhood thinking himself in circles.

I always felt a strong presence of the the Lord walking along with me as a kid, but I also felt the devil trying to attack me with plagues of anxiety. I have always felt that I must have some type of purpose. After all, no one goes through as much as I did without having a reason for it. It seems that the only thing that kept me from losing my mind as a kid was music and God. Unable to explain much of my anxiety, it wasn't easy. Also starting out this way at the age of four was sort of scary. These attacks were not about what I would be doing or my future, but rather, about things that to this day are hard to explain. On top of that I always felt out of place, I didn't think like the other kids and later on in my high school days I didn't want anything to do with what was "cool". I wanted more out of life and I knew it was somewhere out there, but I just didn't know how to obtain it. School was a bore to me and I saw it as a hurdle that I had to get across before I could do what I really wanted to do.

My mind doesn't always let me let go of things. When I give off a negative impression to someone or a relationship is effected by something I did or they thought I did, it becomes very hard for me. My mind will replay that situation over and over again. Every time I see that person, I can't shut off what they might think of me till it is cleared up. Things often seem out of control in my brain if I don't like it, it is harder to get out of my brain, doubt of things I know are not true. I don't expect people to understand me and I gave up trying to explain most of it. All I want is for people to realize that there are people like me that are born with an un-easy spirit. I want people to know that they don't have to understand us, they just have to love us. To tell us that we make an impact, that you like our presence and lastly show us patience. None have shown me patience more than my mother, as she would confront this teary eyed kid that would run to her with his demons pounding on his door and his mind unable to comprehend what was happening. There is something about people that don't understand but still bring comfort by their presents, and those people should be held close. For those people are meant to be alongside you for the rest of your life. There is just as much power in the silence as in the music that speaks to our core and strikes our bones.

Honestly not many other songs have explained how I feel better than this one. When I talk about my anxiety I am so careful in the words I pick, because I want the listener to know exactly how I feel. But I know no one will ever exactly know how I feel. So, sometimes it is better for someone like me to just give an overall glimps into the uneasiness they feel.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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