I used to bully a girl for years. I don’t know why I did it, I just did. It’s worse not knowing why, because I genuinely don’t have an excuse. It went too far. Her mother called me to tell me how much I’ve been hurting her daughter. I guess it hit me then. Did I become the person I hated? How did I get this way? I decided to write her an apology letter. A letter to try and explain my actions. After years of verbal abuse, saying sorry doesn’t do much.

Dear Sophia,

A couple weeks ago, your mother called me to tell me how upset I make you. I’ve been reflecting on that phone call for some time now. I wanted to figure out how to reach you so I thought writing you would be a good idea.

I want to start off by apologizing for my behavior towards you for the past couple of years. I wouldn’t want to be treated the way I treated you. It must have sucked. I don’t know where to even begin when it comes to explaining how regretful I am towards you.

I’ve realized how hypocritical I am as well. I preach about minding your own business, and not hurting others, but I’ve been a bully for so long. It isn’t right. An apology is not to sufficient when it comes to all I’ve done. I want you to tell me if there’s anything I can do to work towards forgiveness. I have been working with a therapist on improving myself for a while, and I feel as if I’m taking steps into the right direction. However, I still need some guidance.

Of course, after all the horrible thing I’ve said I wouldn’t expect you or your sister to become friends with me, but I would like to not have awkward stares at each other anymore. If you’d like I’d love to sit down for lunch or coffee and we can discuss things we can do to work on such a toxic relationship. As Muslim girls, I don’t want us to fight or gossip about each other anymore. I hate when other people do it, yet I did it for so long. I want us to be different. I want the whole community to be different.

We need to stick together and work on being there for each other rather than stepping on each other. As a community of not just Muslim girls, but girls in general we need to be giving each other hands. We need to be helping each other up, not knocking each other down.

I hope you can accept my apology, and let me know if you’d like to sit down and talk sometime.

She read it and asked me to talk privately with her. She told me her life story, and I started to cry. I felt bad for the things she went through. I felt worse knowing I made it harder for her.

It doesn’t make sense to me. Why would I go and do that to someone I barely know? It’s ironic because when elders or even people from my generation judge me or talk about me, it upset me. I want them to come to me, talk to me, know me before judging me. Yet here I was, doing everything to this girl that I didn’t want done to me.

I’ve been trying to figure out why someone who’s against shaming, and gossiping did it to her. I hate when people gossip, I hate when people make others’ lives unnecessarily hard. So why did I do it?

I’ve been trying to find the answer for over three months now. I can’t figure it out. Why would I want to treat someone the exact opposite of how I’d want strangers to treat me?

I’ve learned a lot this summer. I’ve learned to always go to the source before doing or saying anything. Never judge anyone but what you’ve heard. Never judge anyone on the physical and emotional state.

I came home one day from school and I sat in my bed lifeless for more than 4 hours. I sat there thinking of how horrible a person I am. I’m thinking of ways to make up for this because an apology is not enough. What I did cannot easily be forgiven by a simple one page apology.

Forgiveness is so important, and she’ll forgive me and she’ll move on, but I won’t. She’ll forgive, probably not forget but she’ll forgive me. I’ll never forgive myself, and I’ll never forget this. Why would I forgive myself for making someone else’s life as hard as I made hers?

“I’m sorry” is not enough. “I’m sorry” will not take away the pain I’ve put her through, but it’s all I have right now. I wish I could do more. I wish I could take it all back.