Being a black person in America is difficult, to say the least. Black women are under-represented, hyper-sexualized, criminalized and stereotyped in some of the worst ways imaginable.
Growing up, I was painfully insecure about being black. I never saw girls like me on TV, most Barbie dolls were white and the majority of my classmates/friends were white. I felt because of this black must be ugly or unattractive.
To a child this seems logical; black children rarely see people like them on their favorite TV shows and if they are to see a black person on TV at all, it always seems to be a mugshot. Kids in my class at school as young as 7 were already making negative comments about the color of my skin, and as young as age 10, kids in my class were telling me they hate Obama and that a black man should not be president. Kids aren't born with these ideas or behaviors, they're taught and they repeat information fed to them before they ever have the opportunity to form their own opinions. Due to all of these factors, I felt that being ashamed of being black was justified and that I should always remain ashamed.
Throughout high school, I continued to struggle to be comfortable in my own skin. I began to accept the fact that I was black, but I still felt an immense amount of pressure not to embrace it. My non-black boyfriends hid me from their conservative parents for fear that they would be disappointed or upset, I straightened my hair on a daily basis to hide my natural curls and I barely had any black friends.
The issue of colorism in the black community also contributed to my struggle. As a multiracial person, not many black people took me seriously. I wasn't "black enough" for the black kids and despite my pathetic attempts not "white enough" for the white kids. The majority of my childhood I felt invalid in every group or clique. I couldn't find common ground with anyone and that was extremely hard to deal with.
As an adult, I’m proud of who I am and I feel ashamed that I ever wasn’t. But it’s so easy to feel the way I did in today’s society. You’re constantly being told that black people are ghetto, criminal, less attractive, lazy, uneducated... the list is endless. Society encourages black people to be ashamed of who they are and to change themselves to blend in with people they quite frankly cannot compete with. To measure up to a white person or stand an equal chance against them I must be twice as smart and twice as dependable, I must straighten my hair to hide its natural texture, I must have an amazing college degree, I must not go unemployed for too long for fear of appearing lazy, all to compete with someone who may not be as qualified as I am for a position, but someone who is qualified because they are white.
The hardships of growing up black in this country do not simply disappear when you become an adult; they only worsen. In a society where my voice is seldom heard, where traffic stops are life threatening and racism is apparent as ever, my only hope is that I witness things change in my lifetime.
