I know they say that you grow older and drift apart from people but lately I feel like I’ve been doing a lot of that. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I get along with my friends anymore? Why am I not comfortable talking to people my own age? Why does no one my own age talk to me or try to be my friend? Why am I losing friends?

For years I just went with the flow. I did what everyone else wanted so I wouldn’t cause conflict. Because of this I never had a true identity. I was just a combination of my friends and what I thought was socially acceptable for someone my age. I didn’t speak up, I didn’t speak my mind and I never stood up for myself. I’m not even sure if I actually liked the things I thought I did.

I never had a free moment to myself. My friends and I did everything together. This gave me no opportunity to form a personality for myself. This also caused me to think that being alone or not having friends was the equivalent to suicide, you might as well not be alive if you don’t have friends.

And now it’s even worse. With the evolution of the girl squad, made famous by celebrities like Taylor Swift, I feel even more an outcast than ever. I’m supposed to have a girl squad. I am a girl, I’m supposed to be able to relate to other girls and have fun with them and have sleepovers and paint each other’s nails and eat five pizzas.

For the longest time I thought there was something wrong with me. I thought I was too needy or too annoying or no fun. But then I realized there’s nothing wrong with me. I just don’t relate to people my own age.

There are two older women in my class that I love talking to. They have so many experiences and so much knowledge and they are just fun and free and comfortable with who they are. I admire that and that’s why I love talking to them. They aren’t trying to judge me or tell me what I’m doing wrong or force their opinions on me. They don’t care who I kissed, if I’ve had sex or who my crush is. They’re just friendly and nice women.

That’s when I realized, I’m basically an old woman at heart. I don’t like going out anymore. I don’t like drinking anymore and if I do I just want a glass of wine. I don’t care about gossip. My bedtime is 11 p.m. at the latest and I more than likely had a nap that day already. I like to cook elaborate meals and bake and decorate for every holiday. I wear large sweaters every day and comfort is my main concern when it comes to shoes.

I’m the person who buys you tissues and a toy when you’re sick or who takes you to the doctor. I’d rather stay inside in my bed watching TV or doing random crafts from Pinterest or something I saw Martha Stewart do one time than do anything else. Slang confuses me and I hate the whip and the nae nae (unless its that video of the grandmas doing it).

Now I try to do what makes me happy and not over analyze or worry about how it will look to other people. I’m realizing what true friends are and that it’s okay if I don’t have a lot right now. If I am happy, societal standards shouldn’t matter. I don’t care if you liked my profile picture or my status, heck I don’t even make Facebook statuses.

I’m not trying to say I’m more mature or better than my peers. All I’m saying is that I am at a different place than they are. I don’t enjoy the things that most of my peers enjoy.

I’m not in the perfect place right now, and I still care what other people think a lot of the time. The change is that I’m not letting it control me. I’m not letting other people tell me how to live my life anymore. I’ve finally realized that my happiness is what is most important and what makes me happy isn’t what makes the average college student happy.

Every day we are changing and learning and becoming new people. This is life and this is how it is always going to be. So it’s okay if you don’t feel like you have a place right now or if you don’t feel like you fit in or if you don’t have a girl squad. As long as you are truly happy, then everything is alright. Sometimes it gets hard, but it’s always going to get better.

“Do what you feel in your heart to be right, for you’ll be criticized anyway.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

And for your entertainment pleasure, here is that video I was talking about with the grandmas doing the whip and the nae nae: