Just the other day I realized that I am not that chirpy bright girl I was before. I’ve fallen into the trend; I’ve become that sarcastic, grim adult that everyone turns into once their mailboxes have bills and their days have schedules. When does a shift like this occur? Did it happen to me because of my responsibilities? Or is it because my mantra that “I have complete control of what I do” has turned out to be a fallacy? I thought age was just a number...isn’t that what everyone says?
Then why is it that it has been less than a month since I turned 18 I find myself dull and devoid of any excitement? Every day seems good. They all seem fine. They might be sprinkled with moments of crushing emptiness or anxiety or maybe longing. But I am far more lucky that 98 percent of the world. I shouldn’t feel this way!
Maybe that’s where I’m going wrong. When we try to ebb the natural set of emotions that take over us whenever we are in a situation, we resist it. We refuse to acknowledge them. That’s what creates this mental confusion of all things. Sort of like an obnoxious mixed drink that does us no good.
This unknown mix of emotions arise with changes in my life. Our lives are a mix of situations and this time, it has created somewhat unsettling emotions that aren’t familiar to me at all. But I should accept that change is natural. Everything is constantly being resized, reshaped and tweaked. Being okay with change, breaking into those new shoes is all it takes to be happy. I’ve realized that I cannot place my happiness in some safe cozy corner. That cannot be happiness. It should be somewhere within me, calming the stormy weather I am encapsulated in. Instead of tampering with it, or trying to control it like I previously used to, I’m down to accepting whatever comes my way. I now own whatever happens within a pretty simple boundary that I call my life.
On some days, it is really hard to accept that anything new or out of the blue can be kind. I refused to fall into that trap of false sweetness and I found myself turning away from the sweet, raw moments of selflessness and kindness. When someone offers me their seat or opens the door for me, I barely notice them anymore.
The thing is I used believe that life is an irony. But now I am thinking that perhaps it is us humans who are ironic. Maybe life appears that away because each day is a reflection of ourselves. I strive for independence and deeply long for my home. I dream of being ambitious yet I long for a simple life. But this is all within the boundary of my life. I own each and every one of these desires and accept them just as they are. They are natural. They are all a part of me. I will not tamper with them just because they are someone else’s definition of complicated or weird.
18 doesn’t seem so bad anymore! It is just more real than 17.
