There was an article going around recently about seeing one's baby brother grow up and making something of himself. It speaks of what he became and the potential he has for the future. But some don't have the ability to speak from that perspective because we lost our siblings. The timing of the sharing of this article about baby brothers growing up wasn't exactly the best for me. You see, this past summer, I lost my baby brother. He would've graduated from high school this past May, had he still lived with us. I guess, in a way, I grieved a loss before it actually happened. So that open letter really hit me hard. Like a punch in the gut.
I found out I lost my baby brother on July 31st of this year.
This is what I had to say to him:
"Baby brother,
I know you weren't always easy to be around, but the times when you and I connected were the moments that really counted; those moments were the real you. As kids, we were inseparable. We'd play with Legos for hours on the floor of your room. I will always remember the day you threw a block in the air and it hit me in the face. The scar is there, still noticeable after so many years. As teenagers, we weren't as close, but you and I shared common interests. You even got into the movies I'd watch, most memorably, the Twilight movies. I appreciated that. You were an amazing artist and a phenomenal guitarist. And you hated it when I'd call you "baby brother". But that's who you were and always will be to me.
I just found out that you're gone, baby brother. I didn't think my tears would ever fall so thick and fast. The shock still hasn't set in. I'm usually good at finding words to describe things, but this is different. There are no words. There is silence and I don't like it. But for you, there is peace after so much pain and confusion. God is purely love...unconditional love. And His heavenly kingdom is the ultimately perfect love that only he can give. There is a place for you there. God does things in His time, and we don't understand why. But because of His love and His desire for you to finally have peace, He brought you home. All your flaws, all the hurt, they're all gone! You have been made perfect by the most perfect and powerful love ever.
There are so many things I wish I could have done for and said to you. But for now, those will have to wait. Because I know that one day I will be able to do them without human limitations.
Rest easy, baby brother. Even though I haven't seen you in so long, you were missed then, and you will always be missed by those who truly loved you."
But I also found out what the world had to say to me, and it was something that I honestly want to hear all the time: "We love you." During this whole journey, my college family had been my support, especially since I am there so much out of the year. Within probably 4 days of hearing about my brother, I was on campus at NDC for a day. I needed to be there, and that's where I ended up. While many were reluctantly preparing to go back to school, I was looking forward to it. After the tears I'd cried that past summer, I was ready to establish my new normal.
It's going on 2 months since my brother's been gone. But I'm working through this is much as I can. And he continues to have an impact on the way I (and others) see the world. He continues to give them life...at times, literally. I know he'd be pleased by this.
Well, Carl. I'll see you on the flip side, I guess. I miss you, baby brother.
