The holidays are notoriously tied to family. As the temperature drops and leaves and snow begin to fall, we tend to see way more of our family than we do the rest of the year. Unfortunately, sometimes that is the only time whole families will get together all year. Because of this, the holidays become a time for catching up and reminiscing. It is generally known as a happy time of year, with people gathered together indoors (away from the cold) eating copious amounts of comfort food. Tradition hangs in the air as the kid's frolic in the snow and grandma drinks too much wine.

However, the holidays gain a whole new vibe after you have lost one of those family members. Of course, the first time around is the hardest. Something feels missing, and no one in the room quite knows how to deal with it or fix it. It’s like an elephant in the room, except instead of ignoring it, people make uncomfortable attempts at acknowledging it. Family members share anecdotes, which is nice, but no one knows how to act. Everyone tries to enjoy the festivities as usual, but nothing feels the same.

The following years show progress. As the family heals, people grow more comfortable discussing the lost loved one. They can be brought up in conversation with more ease, and less tears. More and more stories of the person get shared, usually lighthearted ones in order to illicit some smiles. Every once in a while, someone makes a long, heartfelt tribute that reignites the grief. This is not a negative thing, though, because over the years you learn it is important to keep the memory alive. My dad is the absolute best at doing this – it drove me crazy as a preteen, thinking he needs to stop being so cheesy. Today I still can’t handle the cheese, but I appreciate it a hell of a lot more.

I’ll always miss the fantastic holiday foods she made, all the fresh banana bread, and homemade pizza (hey, moms are there to feed us, right?). I’ll continue to miss the way she sat by the door panting like crazy after a long, hard run. This holiday season, I look forward to all the little mom-isms and tributes that pop up all over.

Eventually, the holidays feel semi-normal. After my fourth or fifth Christmas without my mom, I finally got the feel of how to cope with it all. That feel is: I have no idea. No one knows how to make a loss easier, we just figure out how to keep on doing life. To be a complete cliché, it never gets easier, and it never gets better. But, you learn to deal.