On September 1, 2011, my family suffered a tragedy. My younger brother, who was 19 at the time, died of a drug overdose. I happened to be in the navy at the time, so I didn't have much time to grieve. Less than a year later I deployed. I did back-to-back deployments and every year since then my husband was deployed. Grieving was out of the question. I had two children to take care of. My mental health struggled quickly, and it impacted every aspect of my life.
Once I took the time to grieve, it was incredibly painful. I was alone, I was lost, and I had no idea how to handle it.
In August of 2016, I was discharged from the navy. The next two years were full of ups and downs — a direct result of me not taking care of myself and of me not taking care of my mental health. In February of 2019, I made the decision to move back to Oklahoma. I wanted to be closer to family because I was going through a divorce. I had primary custody of my daughter, while my ex had custody of my son. So, it was time for me to move back home, after being gone for 11 years.
September is always a hard month for all of us. There are many deaths that occurred during the month of September — it's a constant battle of grief. What I was not prepared for, was how different the holidays were going to be now that I was home. I felt the common rush of grief, except this time I felt the true pain of my brother not being here.
I still feel the pain of my brother not being here.
The holidays are major in my family. We all gather together and enjoy each others' company. I, however, have not been home for Thanksgiving or Christmas since 2009. So, this is all new for me. In reality, this is my true first holiday season without my brother. Before it was without anyone, so I could deal with it. It's so much harder this time. So, how do I work through it?
Here are 3 ways that I manage to survive while grieving during the holidays.
Take mental health days
I make sure to make time for myself. I take the time to grieve, write, cry, complain, and pray. I do this 1-2 times per week. It helps me a lot. I'm not good at expressing emotion, and finding some kind of outlet helps me through this.
Talk to someone about it
I make sure I talk to someone about how I'm feeling. I typically call my cousin because she knows more about our life than most do. I talk to her because she's a great listener, and she doesn't judge me or ridicule me. She listens, she acknowledges, and she advises. It helps so speak it out loud, especially to someone who knew him.
Find someone that you're close to, more importantly, that you trust. This is a sensitive time and needs to be treated delicately and with the utmost care.
Remember, that no matter what, they're always with you
This, of course, is my personal opinion. I believe that when people pass, their spiritual self remains on Earth. I believe that when my son said "Mommy, Jacob's here", and pointed to a corner in his room, that my brother was there protecting me, and protecting my son. I believed the same when my daughter did it about two years after he had passed. The holidays are hard because they're family gatherings.
Holidays while grieving, are even harder. However, just like everything else in life, it's all about what you make of it. My brother is not physically here. That is a pain that cannot be described. Still, I believe his spirit is all around me. When I smell his cologne randomly, or when I see him when I look at my son. I see my brother in every major decision I make, every time the wind blows, every sunny day, and every single bad day.
Their physical bodies may be gone but their spirit and the memories that were made will live on forever. That is the major thing that gets me through the holidays while grieving.
If you are grieving this holiday season, hug your family tight. Life is short. Go to the gathering, love on all of the people, and speak about memories of those you have lost. Let the holidays heal you, instead of letting them break you.
