I spend almost my entire summer at Six Flags Great Adventure, in Jackson NJ. Not only is it a great location for cynical people-watching (so. many. dumb. tattoos.), the rides are amazing, too. With my trusty season pass in hand, I can use a scrutinizing eye to compare each coaster, in terms of the fun experience that each provides. Below is the definitive ranking of how each of the 12 coasters stacks up.

12. GREEN LANTERN.

Green Lantern is obviously and overwhelmingly not only the worst roller coaster in Six Flags, but the worst roller coaster I have ever had the misfortune of being on, period. To a seasoned Six Flags veteran, this one is easy enough to avoid. But to unsuspecting first-time guests, their crotches are in for a Presidential-grabbing. Nothing is wrong with Green Lantern in its most basic engineering; in fact, when it was painted white and named "The Great American Scream Machine", this coaster was one of my favorites. But the gimmick of the Green Lantern ride is its seat design, or, well, lack thereof. Riders are expected to stand - sort of - by wedging their legs on either side of what is essentially the world's smallest and most uncomfortable bicycle seat. When you're dropping 155 feet at 63 miles per hour, expect some (read: a lot of) discomfort. Whether you're man or woman, the pain of this ride is absolutely egalitarian.

Among a mix of the big, the bad, and the record-breaking, The Runaway Train may not seem that great. But looks can be deceiving, and this misconception is what makes The Runaway Train severely underrated. It's fast, it's got drops, and the sheer force of its initial curve is enough to press you to the side of your car. The Runaway Mine Train may not be as impressive-looking as Kingda Ka or even Superman, but it's definitely not only for kids.

8. BATMAN: The Ride.

Maybe my negative experience with the Batman coaster stems from the fact that there seems to be vomit on a seat every time I go. Or maybe it's a long-lasting memory of an ill-fated 95-degree day that I spent sweating in that hellish metal tunnel waiting to enter the ride, the literal equivalent of being put on a piece of tinfoil to fry like an egg, while a woman behind me screamed about wanting my water bottle. Either way, I have a deep-seated disgust for BATMAN: The Ride. It's as if the engineers combined the most uninspired aspects of Nitro and Bizarro, and expected them to be a great ride. Other rides go the extra mile to be fun, but I just don't get any of that with Batman. It is worth it to go if the line is short, though.

7. SUPERMAN: Ultimate Flight.

Gimmicky. Long waits almost every time. Short ride time. Lungs consistently compressed by the restraints. Superman is worth the ride, but hardly worth doing twice in a visit, unlike rides higher up on this list like Nitro or even The Joker. I never really feel like I'm "flying" when I go on Superman. I only feel like I'm about to lose one of my shoes.

6. Skull Mountain.

Skull Mountain is a childhood favorite, and maybe that colors my opinion of the indoor wooden wonder shrouded in darkness. But there is a simplicity to its effects, to its ride structure, and to its overall experience that is difficult to beat. You go fast, you have stomach-lurching drops, you get pressed painfully to the side of the car, and you never know what's going to come next. It's suspense and thrill at their most basic. I will defend Skull Mountain until my death.

5. BIZARRO.

Bizarro, like Green Lantern, is another ride that was just repainted and named something new (changed from "Medusa", which it still says on the side of the loading dock). Unlike Green Lantern, though, Bizarro managed to retain all of the coaster's original appeal - and then improve upon it. Corkscrews, loops, and twists are part of what has always made this an exceptionally solid coaster. Added effects, though, such as shooting flames that really feel warm and oversized drill bits, are what ties the whole thing together. The one real shame of Bizarro is its location, shoved into a far corner of the park near areas of perpetual construction and storage, far removed from everything else truly worth doing. This one is worth going on, but you're going to need to work a little bit harder to find it.

4. THE JOKER.

Six Flags' newest coaster is also one of my favorites. The Joker isn't your typical ride experience. It's a stacked, flat wonder where you not only go up and down and in loops; you also flip upside down on an axis each time. Maybe it's called the Joker because between screams of joy, all that you hear is laughter. Ingenious design combined with short wait times, interesting seating arrangements, and simply the novelty of it being so new are some of the reasons why I am in love with this ride. If I was going to have a heart attack and die on any Six Flags coaster, I am positive that it would be either this one or El Toro, simply because they just bring so much to the table.

3. Nitro.

"Old Reliable", my friend jokingly called Nitro the other day. And it's true. Nitro is fast. It's smooth. It's long. If you want a ride that's consistently going to give you a fun ride, Nitro is your best bet. My small issue with it may be that it's a bit too smooth for my taste - I'm one for more rickety and bumpy rides. But even I have to admit that there is undeniable appeal to the initial 21-story drop that's so smooth you can pose for perfect pictures every time (thanks for seventy shots of me and my pals in the Charlie's Angels pose), the length of the ride that makes it feel delightfully endless, the cloud-like lightness of the experience, and the force of gravity that comes from its main twist and causes me to see white spots every time. Nitro is faithful, reliable, and timeless, and the only way it could be improved upon would be for it to be repainted and renamed Wonder Woman.

2. Kingda Ka.

Kingda. Hecking. Ka. You all knew this was coming. What can I say about Kingda Ka that has not already been said before? It's big. It's fast. It's incredible. Lines are usually worth the wait. So what are you waiting for? Get on it!

1. El Toro.

This pick may be my most controversial. Many of my friends absolutely hate El Toro, for the same reason they dislike Skull Mountain; the wooden engineering makes it rickety, fast, and leaves you with a massive headache afterwards. But I say that this is what makes El Toro so exhilarating. "The Bull" is a great name for this ride's bucking, jarring turns, its steep drops, and the amount of fun that it offers every time.

BONUS: THE TEACUPS.

I love the Teacups. Is it some residual fondness for the film "Uptown Girls" coloring my viewpoint? Maybe. But who cares? The teacups are awesome.

Thanks for reading another one of my rants. I would like to dedicate this article to my Six Flags squad - Brad, Steph, Sam, and Val - who make it enjoyable to go on even the worst of these coasters. Except Green Lantern. Nothing could make that one enjoyable.