I look back on some of my favorite memories, and you always seem to be there. Between traveling to see you at the holidays or getting to go on a family vacation to your summer home. Some of the best memories I have were because of you, now that you've gone I'm not sure the holidays will be the same.

This holiday season will be the first in my 19 years of living that I won't drive to Chicago to see you. Whether we went in the beginning of the next year or we went on time, we always celebrated together. It didn't matter if it was on time or later, as long as we were together it felt like Christmas. This year, I won't have that.

Our family is very spread out, and realistically we're not that close. We got together once or twice a year because of you. You were the glue that held our crazy family together and we don't have anything like that anymore. We're already starting to fall apart.

You were the only grandmother I knew growing up, my other grandmother passed when I was so young I never got to know her. I think about whether she'd be proud of who I became or the choices I've made for my life, The way you've always supported me, there's no doubt that she would've supported me too.

My love of nail polish started with the pearl color you used to paint on my nails when I was a little girl. I fell in love with ceramics and blue glass because of you. We had traditions of watching NCIS and eating graham crackers with milk. All of these tiny quirks that make me who I am, started in your apartment.

When you got sick I felt every piece of hope and light get smothered out inside me. You were the person in our family that I was closest to and even though I was old enough to understand death, I felt the little girl inside me question why the world had to be so cruel.

You never got to see me in my high school productions or see me graduate like you were able to see my brother. I never got to go trick or treating with you or go school shopping with you. You will never see me walk down the aisle or see me have kids. You will never meet the love of my life and he will never know how incredible you were.

Living so far from you wasn't easy. I was always the kid who didn't have grandparents come to their shows or to their school events, and now I'm the person who doesn't have any grandparents left.

I wouldn't trade my relationship with you for anything in the world, and I will always cherish the time and conversations we got to share together. Whether you know it or not, you gave me so much knowledge of the world and showed me how to appreciate the art around me. From our tea parties when I was younger, to me doing your makeup for the last Christmas I had with you, every moment we spent together was special.

Thank you for always being the type of person I strive to be, and for showing me how easy it is to be genuinely kind. I will always miss you when I go home to Chicago, but I know you're out of pain and that's all that matters.