I barely withstood the guilt that lingered beneath my skin once he was gone. I lived 17 years of my life ignorant of the one who had minimal time to live while I remained egotistic of my essentially infinite time, sparring virtually none of it for him. I lived 17 years of my life ignorant of a loving and caring man while I responded with idleness, never really displaying the love I had for him.
As far as for the times I did spend with him, however, I connected to a much deeper part of myself, learning more about his morals and beliefs that originated from a vastly different setting. Despite living childhood and parenthood in poor conditions, he fought through his financial and family issues with a sense of bravery and persistence that he held onto until his last dying breath. Even when he continuously confronted dark realities one by one, each reality he faced could not fluctuate his will to move forward. By distinguishing that character of carrying on and on, he presented the importance of perseverance to me. His perseverance is the reason why my grandma, aunt, uncle and mother were all supported financially from the multiple jobs he exhausted himself with. His perseverance is the reason why he opted to prioritize his grandchildren over his life in Taiwan with neighbors and friends by moving to America. His perseverance is the reason why he survived four years of lung cancer.
By the time I acknowledged that my efforts to be with him were negligible, he had already lost the ability of movement. As it was almost his fourth year of surviving lung cancer, his body began to dissociate from his resilient ideology. Day by day in that hospital bed, I saw my grandfather deteriorate as his necessary bodily functions started to weaken and dissipate. I could only speak the little Chinese I knew to him, expecting no response. His room was silent and barren when I last visited him as my mother was absent, comforting my grandmother who was still incapable of accepting loss. I recall standing there, looking down at him. His skin had become shriveled and discolored while his bones glaringly protruded underneath the nearly nonexistent layer of muscle. His mouth remained open widely, taking in deep breaths continuously as if those would be his final ones.
In that moment, I could only depict the few interactions I had with him in the past, and how he never failed in making me smile. A sense of gratitude consumed me. Rather than apologizing for what little I did, I instead thanked him for the connection we had established through the few times I visited. That gratitude, though, coincided with the feeling of guilt that this was the last moment that I could actually display the love I concealed from him. I held his left hand, feeling the cold temperature of his hand diffusing into mine. I felt the blood flowing into his pale hand faintly. I could no longer abstain the immense feelings I compiled into one moment that summarized our entire relationship. I could no longer prevent the tears.
He inhaled a deep breath. The breathing stopped. And the moment ended.
With all of the clutter and busy lives we continue to live, we often forget the ones who have a limited time left. Through spending minimal time by means of simple phone calls or visits, these simple actions can possibly translate to a more significant purpose that extends farther than yourself. Creating a noticeable relationship with grandparents can result in a greater understanding of morals in which they have acquired through their years of experience. Creating a relationship can result in their happiness as well as your own.
I still know little about my grandfather because of the lack of time I devoted to him; I know no more than the perseverance he portrayed that he instilled in me. It was just too late when I came to the realization that death crept ever closer, not sparing even the ones that may appear as the strongest. Establish more memorable times with your grandparents. One just wasn’t enough.
