How long had it been? Five minutes? Five hours? Five days? Time had stopped when you took your last breathe, and my body went numb. This was a day that I had prayed would never come and theres been 730 days since then. Today makes two years since we said our earthly goodbyes to you, grandad, and I couldn't miss you more. I still can't even fathom the idea of a life without you.
See that's the thing about losing someone, you still have to live. It's been hard, it's been so hard to go on without you. On my worst days I want to cry to you about it, and on my best days I want to laugh with you about it. Nothing can prepare you for this kind of pain. I knew you were sick; I knew you didn't have much longer; I knew the you I said goodbye to wasn't you. It was your pain. It was your old age. It was your body, but your mind wasn't there. It wasn't the you that I want to remember.
It doesn't get easier. They say time heals, but it hasn't healed me. I'm constantly reminded that you're not here. You didn't get to see me graduate. You didn't get to see me get accepted into colleges or go off to school. You won't be here to walk me down the aisle. You won't get to meet my children or be there to help raise them the way you helped raise me. You can't answer my calls or tell me you love me too, and I'll never get to hug you ever again. That's something that just resonates with me, and I can't stop thinking about it. I didn't just lose my grandad. I lost so much more: my best friend, my favorite play mate, my hero, my role model, the only father figure I've ever known, the man who taught me what love is; and somewhere along the way, I lost a little of myself.
I know you wouldn't want that. I know you want me to be happy. I know you want me to be successful. I'm trying. I'm trying to live in a way where you would be proud. I can't look at a Hershey's chocolate bar with almonds without thinking of how you used to hide them in "our spot" in the kitchen for me after my mom insisted I didn't need anymore sugar.
I regret not spending more time with you in your last years. I'll always hold our memories close to my heart. I'll always remember you as one of the greatest men I've had the pleasure of knowing. I'll always remember what you taught me and how you shaped who I am. I'll always love you and you'll always be the number one man in my heart. I can't thank you enough for being the person you were to me. I'll always consider myself one of the luckiest people in the world to be your grandchild. Until we meet again, grandad, I'll miss you.
Love,
Your (favorite) granddaughter
