School has always been an extremely significant part of my life. The social aspect is one that gives me great joy, whether it be making new friends, becoming involved in clubs or establishing relationships with teachers, it has given me much to cherish. Regarding the academic side of these institutions, obtaining the best grade I was capable of achieving was immensely critical for me. However, getting these grades meant more than just a letter or number for me.
Throughout my life I have always had the drive and determination to succeed in whatever I chose to do. I learned from an early age that doing well academically was looked highly upon. I always loved pleasing people and I realized that acquiring favorable grades was pleasing to my parents, to my teachers and, ultimately, to me.
During middle school, succeeding in my classes actually made me feel good, for a lack of a better word. I realized quickly that I had to work to get the grades I desired. This made me instill a fitting work ethic in me that I modified as my workload increased and became more difficult, as I entered high school.
While in high school, my academics became the center of most of my attention. As I recognized my potential and ability to accomplish what I desired, with tasks that seemed impossible to tackle, I was addicted to succeeding. It gave me a feeling of comfort and reassurance. As I progressed through high school, I noticed achieving satisfying grades became more than that feeling, it became something I could control. I’ve had a ton of obstacles thrown my way during these four years, and for about two years I was in a war with my anxiety.
My illness took a part of me, I hadn’t realized was so vital to my well being up to that point. It took my ability to control what I was feeling, and that terrified me. Not being able to have command over my own self made me feel vulnerable and helpless. I clung onto things that made me feel strong and capable. Although extremely hard, being able to attain gratifying grades assisted me in controlling some aspect of my life.
Despite not being as impactful as my struggle through those years in high school, my grades have helped me find a sense of control within myself, when my relationships with people were not the greatest. My love life has always been a whirlwind of confusing bullshit, and, as absurd as this sounds, receiving an A on a paper always reminds me of how accomplished I can be on my own. Additionally, as my “relationships” are always changing, I know that my academics will be, essentially, constant.
A lot of people jokingly mock me for my obsession over my work and grades, but what many people don’t know is the reasoning behind it. Succeeding has helped me establish a sense of confidence and control within myself.
