“Are you two ever apart from each other?” our literature teacher asked us. In unison, we responded, “Not really.” The three of us laughed, and my best friend and I walked down the hallway ready for lunch.

We had been best friends since we were four years old, and at the time we were 16. Our parents went to school together, and we lived not even five minutes apart, so we literally were inseparable.

We carpooled together to and from school, we had all of our honors classes set up the same, we had the same lunch, we were co-editors of the yearbook, we were truly one.

Until one day everything changed.

I’m not sure where it all went wrong; it started small at first like you saying you couldn’t come over after school. Then, it progressed to where usually you’d wait on me after breakfast; but instead, you’d get up and go to class without me.

One day I came in wanting to tell you a story about what had just happened only to find you’d completely moved your desk to the other side of the room next to your new friends.

I was devastated. I went into a deep depression, and I cried every day. Nobody ever really prepares you to lose a friend, but this was that moment.

During our senior year, I was saddened to know that it wouldn’t go as planned. I’d assumed you no longer wanted to go to the same college and you didn’t want to room with me anymore, so of course, I was still heartbroken.

Things got even more awkward between us because we were co-editors of the yearbook and had to work together closely. It is crazy looking back at pictures of us seeing how close we were to how far away we had become.

I never had any friends after you that could compare to the closeness and the realness of the friendship we shared.

We got the opportunity to go back and visit our elementary school as a group, and I remember swallowing my pride, walking up to you in the gym we participated in Jump Rope for Heart together so many years before, and I hugged you.

I cried and you cried, but neither of us ever said a word. Your new friends gave me weird looks, but for once, I didn’t mind. I just wanted to hold you.

Years passed and it got easier to hear your name in conversation. I’d run into you every once in a while, but you’d always turn the other way. Everything was awkward between us and neither of us knew how to fix it.

Neither of us even tried.

One day as I was working in a crisis stabilization unit jotting down blood pressures and bowel movements, I received a phone call from an old friend. I thought it had been by accident so I didn’t answer. She left me a voicemail: “Call me as soon as you get this. I know we haven’t talked in a while, but it’s important and I think you should hear it from me.”

I stepped out into the parking lot to call her back. She answered and I could tell she’d been crying. “I’m sorry,” she said to me. I asked her what’s wrong. “L died last night. Something to do with a blood clot.”

I stood there in shock, my knees buckling below me and the entire outside spinning in circles.

I don’t know that I even said anything back, but I remember not crying until I’d had two more phone calls after that one. The crying didn’t come slowly but instead hit me like the hard rain falling onto the roof of your car once coming out from under a bridge...all at once.

Why did this happen to you? Why so young? Why now? Why didn’t I try harder to be your friend again? Why did I suddenly miss you so freakin' much all over again?

You were absolutely beautiful at your viewing. You were wearing a dress and had your fingernails painted like always. Your huge statement ring was fitting for your personality, and the room was lined with picture after picture of your smiling face.

I couldn’t believe just how many you touched in such a short period of time.

Not a day goes by where something doesn’t remind me of you now. I don’t think it’s fair that I get to enjoy my life and yours was cut into thirds.

I got married and you told me congratulations and you wished me the best.

That was the last thing you ever said to me, and I’ll honestly never forget it.

I’m sorry you can’t get married. I’m sorry you can’t have children of your own. I’m sorry you never received your college degree or got to travel the world. I’m sorry I didn’t put more effort into rekindling the best friendship I ever had.

It sucked to say goodbye to you once, but to say goodbye to you again was absolutely the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

I look forward to seeing you again.