Everyone has experienced one -- it could be a coworker, friend, significant other or even a family member. This person is someone we feel that we can’t stay away from either because they’re a part of our everyday lives or because of some unexplainable force that keeps pulling us in. The relationship that we have with these people may make us feel weak, defeated, vulnerable, disrespected, manipulated, or maybe even heartbroken and they all have something in common -- they’re toxic. No matter where we go in life we will encounter these people and they will come and go, some affecting us more than others. In my short 20 years of life, I have experienced my fair share of toxic relationships, but one in particular tore me down in every possible way and made me feel incredibly weak, helpless, and like I would never be good enough. While it has been a terrible experience it has taught me that for someone who makes us feel powerless, nothing is more empowering than saying goodbye.

To the toxic person in my life,

You almost broke me. Almost. I remember when I first met you, your infamous reputation preceded you and that should have been my first red flag. You were charming yet manipulative, funny yet destructive, kind yet cruel. I remember the way you would talk down to others degrading them while everyone else around you would laugh nervously, thankful they weren’t on the other end. I remember thinking I had you figured out and therefore was invincible to your facade -- but I was wrong.

You made me feel special because you made me feel chosen. I’m sure hearing that only adds to your already over-inflated hubris, but it is not something you should feel proud of. Because you were so disrespectful and uncaring to the majority of people around you, I felt flattered that I was one of the few who you chose to care for and treat with as much kindness as you were capable of. Without being aware, I started to quickly lose myself in your world and become someone I didn’t recognize, someone I never wanted to be. Looking back, it is scary to see how much of myself I put into our relationship without receiving anything in return. Not only did I expose myself to vulnerability by fully opening myself up to you -- I did it with no respect from you, which made me lose respect for myself.

Having my choices, opinions, and feelings clouded by your world was not enough for you, because this to you was not about a relationship -- it was about power. When you felt I was getting too comfortable, you chose to burn me with destructive remarks and behavior that made me feel in such a sick way that I was not good enough for you. While I should have been disgusted by these actions and chosen to move on, I instead found myself trying even harder than before to please you so that you would see that I was worth it. This vicious cycle continued for months and while I began to notice what an unhealthy and destructive effect it had on me, I couldn’t get away. As soon as I would remove you from my life and begin to move forward, you would appear out of left field with your carefully chosen words that hinted toward apology but never claimed responsibility-pulling me in again and send me spiraling back to square one.

With the help of the people in my life who actually care about me, I have been able to step back and fully understand just how toxic you were to me. Without being able to recognize it, I had placed my self worth at the hands of someone who used it as a pawn in a game. When I first had this realization, I hated you. I hated you for how you made me feel about myself and was disgusted by how you treated me. I quickly realized, however, that the only person negatively impacted by my hatred for you was myself. You loved the fact that your actions could cause me to be so angry because it meant I cared which meant you still won. As long as you were in my thoughts, regardless if they were good or bad, you were satisfied because it meant you still had control.

I have come to realize that the ultimate way to gain back control is to let go. This is why I am taking this opportunity to say goodbye. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity, although painful, to discover that the only person responsible for my happiness and my self-worth is myself. I do not hate you, I am not disgusted or defeated by you, but I am sorry for you. I am sorry that the only relationships you may ever truly know are based on manipulation and control. I am sorry that you are not strong enough of a person to let your walls down and let people in, for this may lead to a lonely life for you. I am sorry that the only way you know to feel powerful is to belittle those around you until they feel defeated, and I am sorry that you are unable to recognize this because that would mean holding yourself responsible for your own actions. Lastly, I wish you luck in life that you are able to overcome these things and learn to respect others so that you can find happiness.

Sincerely,

Someone who is stronger and better without you