My entire life I based my worth as a person on one thing, the number that popped up on the scale at the end of the day. I had a number in mind and if I weighed more than that I would be so angry with myself. If I weighed just below it, I watched everything I ate for the next three days. For pretty much my entire life this is how I judged myself, based on a number. It did not matter what else I had accomplished that day if I was unhappy with the result, my day was over. I let a scale control my life and honestly, it did until yesterday.
I had just gotten done running at the gym, had my shake that I have every morning and went upstairs to shower. Like clockwork, I stepped onto the scale. I was devastated, I was just hitting that number that I judge everything off of. At first, I wanted to cry, I had just run miles and was feeling great and now I was down in the dumps. That was my moment of realization. I had just run miles, and I was body shaming myself.
When I talk about yourself being your biggest enemy, this is another one of those examples. If I had told anyone that I just got back from the gym they would have thought I was in great health but to me, because of a number, I was not good enough.
It was at this moment that I decided to stop living my life this way. To start valuing myself for more than just the number on a scale. To start realizing that I am worth more than just skin and bones (literally).
For almost five years I have let numbers define me. Not just weight but grades, GPA, and followers on Instagram. But the thing you realize when you live a life like that, is that there is never a point that is "good enough" you are constantly pushing for more and it can be exhausting.
So, while I only came to this realization yesterday, I think it is one that will stay with me for awhile. This summer I am saying goodbye to the scale. There is no more judging worth and value based on weight, no more scrutinizing the numbers, tracking, measuring and crying.
I am done letting weight define me. From now on I will let myself define me. Whether it is by my accomplishments, my goals, or my dreams, it will not be the numbers on that scale, because that's all they are, numbers.
