Not in a million freaking years could I have imagined falling so deeply for another person until you walked into my life. It seemed slow at first but before I knew it you were everything to me. You became everything to me, my whole world in a six foot two body. I would have gone to the ends of the earth just to make you happy. Because the thought of happiness consumed me when we first met.

Everything we had seemed so unreal, like some kind of a dream I sometimes didn't want to wake up from. As it turns out, it was just a dream, but not always the kind you would imagine. Sometimes it was the bright one where it feels as if the warmest sun is touching your skin and nothing bad can hurt you. But also the one where you feel like darkness has completely swallowed you whole and you can't escape. It feels as if your chest is tight and you can't breathe and nothing will ever be right again.

That is what you were to me; the most beautiful dream and the most awful nightmare.

I wanted us to make it. I wanted us to make it so badly I lost myself trying to be who I thought I needed to be for you. I wanted to believe everything you said. I didn't want it all to be a lie. I can be stubborn. I didn't want them to be right about you. But the truth is, I really thought I saw something in you. It was something good enough that made me stay way longer than I should have.

And in the deepest parts of my heart, I still think you'll be that person, one day. But I also knew even at my best, I wasn't going to be the one to change you. I couldn't it's not possible. It had to come from you. Because all the love and best intentions weren't going to cut it.

I couldn't keep trying. I couldn't keep giving my best and getting your worst. I couldn't keep pretending like it wasn't emotionally and physically destroying me. It was so exhausting being a metaphorical punching bag for you every time something went wrong in your life. I couldn't keep getting blamed for something that wasn't my fault. The cost of trying to turn you into the man I knew you would be, came with self-destruction and hurting myself to get there.

I couldn't keep waiting for respect. I couldn't keep loving you for both of us.

I couldn't keep up with the game, where all you did was change the rules. And no matter how long I played, I wasn't going to learn it or ever come out on the winning side. For so long, I wanted to win and that's why I stuck it out. But I soon realized, the right person didn't have to be won over.

I was chewed up and spit out over and over again.

And you made me think it was love. I believed in love before you. I hoped for it. I had faith in it. You tarnished my definition and turned love dark in my eyes. I now don't think I will ever be able to truly love somebody. I associated love with screaming and fighting and giving just so you'd have something to take.

You always said you loved me but you would never really know how to love me right. You loved with a love so toxic it almost killed me from the inside.

I couldn't see it then but I see it clearly now; you were like a puppeteer, pulling every one of my strings. You had all the right words. You knew exactly what to say and how to say it, to get under my skin and to make me do things your way. You knew the words that would completely break me so that you could come and pretend to put the pieces back together.

Your manipulation skills were way out of my area of expertise, as I had never come across someone like you before. You mixed the good with the bad so skillfully and so naturally that I had no idea what was going on until it was all done and over.

Nothing was ever your fault; you made me take the blame for the things I knew weren't my fault. When you would lose your temper and you screamed at me, that was also my fault, I made you do it. I was responsible for getting on every last one of your nerves.

You would scream and shout and make me feel like the smallest, most meaningless being on this planet in one moment and the next, you would make excuses for your behavior and you would sugar-coat everything that happened.

You would say anything rather than admitting that you were the one to blame. Apologizing was never something you were comfortable with. It was always easier for me to give in and to forgive. Until I couldn't anymore.

Until one day I decided that enough was enough and I had to escape the hell I'd been living in with you. I still loved you but I had no option other than to draw the line and put myself first. I forgot how to do that with you. I forgot how to love, respect and treasure myself. After three years I put myself ahead of you.

I am successfully rebuilding myself brick by brick, day by day, no matter how much time it takes me. I want to be the best version of myself. I want a normal and healthy relationship when I am ready for one.

I want someone who will shower me with kisses instead of drowning me in tears.

All my feelings belonged to you but it was time they came back to me. It's my time to be truly happy and I know that you have no place in my life if I want to achieve that. I have finally started doing the things I once loved again; like painting, writing, reading, and taking photos.

So, here and now I am thanking you for showing me what I am made of. Thank you for showing me that I am stronger than I ever thought. Because leaving you required the strength I never knew I possessed, I once believed that my life would completely end without you in it. Thank you for teaching me what love should never be like. Thank you for enabling me to recognize the right thing when it finally crosses my path.

I didn't want love to be defined by pain.

I also want you to know I forgive you. But more than that I've learned to forgive myself for accepting such things and letting it go on longer than it should have.

I'll learn to love myself the way you couldn't. I'll learn to treat myself the way you weren't able to. I'll learn to love again in a way that it doesn't hurt next time.

Thank you and goodbye forever. You are no longer part of me or a part of my life and you no longer have a place in my heart.