Many of us have lost someone or something close to us. Have you ever thought about what you did not get the chance to say before it's too late? We tend to leave our emotions bottled up so no one can see how you really feel. I have done this before and it's not good thing to do. You keep it all bottled up until you get the chance to just let everything out. For me personally, I put a smile on my face and pretended everything would be fine. Let me give you a little background.
During my sophomore year of high school, I sustained a knee which then led to surgery. While going through this process, my grandmother was battling cancer. I had my knee surgery in February which was also around the time that she was getting worse. After my surgery, I called her to tell her everything went fine and that I was on my way home. Our phone call was brief because she had company. The phone call ended with, "thanks for calling, I will call you back later!" Well that never happened. That was last the conversation that I had with her. Over the weekend, she had a stroke, this was a sign that everything was coming to an end.
After my surgery, I was unable to get of bed, but the only thing she wanted was to see all the grandchildren one last time. So I got out of bed and went to her house. All I did was sit there, I did not say anything because I could not think of the words to say. I watched everyone from my family coming and going all day long. And I continued to just sit there. When I went home that night, all I did was cry. Early the next morning at 4:34am, my mom called me and said, "Nana just passed." I was numb, I did not respond to my mom because once again I could not think of what to say. That weekend was her funeral, it felt the whole town had come, during the service, I just sat and listened to everyone speak. I did not cry. When we came home later that day, I felt guilty for not crying, for not saying goodbye, for everything.
With her birthday recently just passing, it was rough. Even though she passed almost 4 years ago it never gets easier. I still have her house phone and cell phone number memorized. Sometimes I dial her number and realize that there will be no answer. I never stop thinking about what I should have said before it was too late.
About year and half after she passed, my grandfather passed. It was during my junior year of high school, I remember walking to class and being told by my teacher to go to the office because you had to leave. I was picked up by my stepfather and saw my brother on the front seat. I got into the car and then my brother told me that Pap had just died. I sat there in shock. I could not process what I was told. We drove to house where the rest of my family was, and I still could not process what was happening. I sat there through another service, watching everyone coming and going.
Losing someone never gets easier over time. To this day I still feel guilty for not saying more, or spending more time with them. I was angry at first because I am the youngest out of the grandchildren and there was so much that they did not get to see me do. Everyone else got those moments but I did not. For intense, prom, senior recognition night, graduation, seeing me college. Everything they never got to see. To this day, I wonder if they are proud of me.
As I get older, I guess I was lucky for the time I got with them. But still so much was left unsaid. I will always keep our memories and the time we spent together close to my heart. I wish I could have had one more conversation with them so that I could tell them everything that I could not say before. I miss you both more and more each day. I guess this is goodbye until we meet again.
