Authentic conversations with anonymous people are enlightening. I had a conversation with a woman that I was familiar with this morning. We are informal acquaintances with usual brief interactions. It would probably be better for my readership if I said this woman was Oprah, but truthfully, it was just an ordinary, everyday occurrence. Even better.
She asked me how my day was going. Usually I just say "Good!" with a pep of enthusiasm and courteously return the question. Today though, for what ever reason, I felt the invitation to expound upon and share what, exactly, was good. To just be true to myself with someone out loud. A seemingly daunting task; like diving head first into the pool for the first time.
My elaboration, "Everything has been going well. Sometimes that is hard because I am so used to having adversity and struggle. So when things are going well, I just don't know how to respond."
This strikes me. I grew up around panic and uncertainty. There was love, but also stress. It had always been a dream of mine to have stability and structure, but that never seemed like an actualistic possibility. Sure. Strive for it. But be real, Right? I had grown used to this. I think that a lot of us have. In fact, I know a lot of us have.
What happens when all is well? Well, things slow down for us. My initial response was to freak out like 'Oh no, I am going to be lazy and complacent for the rest of my life.' So then I would go on to jump back into the cycle of hectic behaviors that filled time but degraded my health. Now, I understand that "slowing down" process is inner space being created in my life. Which is exactly what is supposed to happen.
With space in our life, we gain an actual sense of freedom that feels foreign to us. It's not a freedom in which your think that you've escaped prison, but soon expect to get caught and have to return. It's a sense of freedom of leaving the prison you never had to be at in the first place.
Here, I don't want or desire to spend money on anything. That just seems to occur naturally on its own anyways. Money just gets spent, and there is not much favor of holding reservation or shame for any purchase. I just get back to my freedom.
There is a lot of alone time, too. Quiet and empty. The solitude can be unbearable at times, but its not the actual solitude that creates strife. It's the inner struggle that wants to run away from an honest situation. The truth. In these moments, I am able to suspend from conformity and find out who it is that I truly am. Off the clock and in tune.
There is nothing to be afraid of. This is very important. While I still have fears, I know that they are illusory. I don't have to fit in. I have already been born. I exist. I already do fit in! It's in thinking that I have to conform to anything that locks me up.
Now, here I am. Doing well. Redefining my purpose. My language. What I have found is an actual voice. A voice that matters to me. One that wants to speak. This comes from true presence. Belonging. It's something that I wish to share with all, and always have.