The Good And The Bad

This past month has brought back a lot of memories for me. It was a pretty eventful and busy month. I started a new job and met some new people. I shared my story with come coworkers. I opened up to more people. I traveled to parts of the state that I had not been before. I caught up with an old friend. All these things, all these new people I got to know, has really brought up some memories that I had once buried. Emotions and feelings have surfaced that I never knew were there before. And some emotions and feelings have resurfaced that I so wish would go away again.

I have been thinking and talking a lot about my first two years of college. Telling people about the good times and remembering the bad times that I can't even tell myself about. I get this warm feeling inside me when I think of all the friendships I had the first year of college and it is immediately followed by a pinch of hurt because I said the word ‘had’ as in past tense and no longer there. I think if my first crush in college and my first love in life in general and get that warm feeling again. I remember all the good times I had with them. And then that pinch of hurt comes back as I remember how it all ended.

I love to look back and reminisce about what used to be. The problem is that it is a ‘used to be’ and not a ‘still is’. Memories are a peaceful and painful thing. You are so thankful for the memories you have but sometimes you wish you couldn’t remember some things. I have been struggling with this internal battle for a while now. I love all the experiences I have had in the few years. I have learned so many things.

One memory that keeps replaying in my mind is the moment I met all the people/friends that used to be in my life. I remember what I thought when I met each and every one of them. I remember thinking that these are some really great people. I remember thinking that I wanted them to stay in my life forever. I thought that I had found my people. Then, the bitterness comes back. The feeling I got when everyone that I thought was going to be there for me was gone.

This article has become a bittersweet one. Just when you thought it was going to be a fun beautiful article about memories it turns into the opposite. However, maybe not so much. I have learned so much from all the past people in my life. I am not angry about my past being in my past and only the past. Because of my past, I have a wonderful present and a beautiful future. So thank you to everyone in my past for shaping me into who I am today.