I have an unhealthy relationship with social media.

Like most college students, I usually start my day waking up to my alarm and then immediately proceed to scroll through my feeds on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. I frequent these apps throughout the day, sometimes for five minutes, sometimes up to an hour. They are the first thing I see when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I see before falling asleep at night.

I know, it's a bad habit but despite all the studies and insistences from doctors and psychologists that constantly scrolling through social media sites can be harmful to one's physical and mental health, I never actually heeded the warnings because I never saw any "proof" of the damage it was doing. Never, that is, until about one week ago.

I suppose this realization came at an appropriate time, given it was in the days leading up to Lent and I still had not decided what I was going to do this year to prepare spiritually for the Easter season. I was scrolling through my Instagram feed in-between classes and I found myself specifically clicking on profiles and scrolling through feeds of photogenic ladies.

Some of them I knew from school, some of them were celebrity accounts, but all of them, at least online, had picture- perfect makeup, hair, and clothing, all encompassed with the perfect Instagram captions.

Ideally, I would've been flipping through their profiles for some mindless fun, after all, who doesn't like looking at pretty pictures of even prettier people? However, I wasn't just happening to click on their profiles by chance. No, these were the profiles of women I would cyclically scroll through.

I'd begin by typing in the same woman's username in the search bar on the discover page and after scrolling through her feed of model-status poses and runway-ready makeup, hair, and wardrobe and then pause at the same photo every time.

I'd look at the way she effortlessly smiled at the camera and envy the way she filled out her brightly-patterned dresses. Then I would flip back to my own profile and scroll through my own photos, absolutely convinced that I looked like a troll with squinty eyes and a nose that didn't look quite right on my face.

This cycle would then repeat as I'd continue to search for yet another username and scroll through the feed of that beautiful lady before returning to my own, each time feeling my self-esteem plummet.

Explaining it all now, it's almost laughably pathetic. I know that everyone tailors their online presence to be the ideal version of themselves, but somehow even knowing this fact couldn't stop me from continuing the vicious cycle of self- depreciation, and comparison.

I had somehow convinced myself that because I was ugly compared to these other women, that I was not as photogenic, or as skilled with makeup, or as stylish as them, that I was not "good enough".

I knew the damage I was doing to my self-esteem but I still continued to actively search for these women's accounts because I "wanted" to expose myself to it. I didn't want to purposefully make myself feel bad, per say, but I had hoped to perhaps neutralize the effects of their photos on my psyche.

If I was bothered so much, maybe I just had to keep exposing myself to it? Maybe then I would just accept the fact that there are attractive people out there and I was just never going to achieve that level of beauty. Never mind the fact that I actively opt not to wear makeup on a day to day basis because it irritates my skin and leaves it red and blotchy.

Never mind that I have a style all my own that consists mainly of jeans and graphic tees because I don't feel as comfortable in non-skater dresses.

Never mind that I am constantly trying to stop fighting the body I was given and just accept my thick eyebrows, high cheekbones, pronounced décolletage, small breasts, and curvy hips.

Never mind the fact that physical beauty is only skin-deep and what I really should be prioritizing are my relationships with my loved ones and the world around me. Not composing the perfect caption for a selfie.

So, I have decided to take a break from social media for Lent. No more Facebook, Twitter, or personal Instagram use (my dog's account and my study abroad finsta don't count because I only post on those, never scroll). I have limited my Snapchat use to only communicating with my friends, not flipping through stories where I compare how boring I seem compared to other people.

So far it's only been one week and I'd be lying if I said I didn't have the urge every now and then just to check my various social media to see what everyone else is up to. Right now, it doesn't matter what everyone else is posting. I need this time to reprioritize and fight my self-sabotaging addiction to a physical comparison.