2016 brought many tears. I lost friendships I thought would be a part of my life forever. I lost a dear friend to suicide. I felt alone night after night. I questioned my belief in God. I prayed on my knees for The Lord to take away struggles in my life. I heard story after story of sex trafficking happening all over the world. I failed my written test for the Police Dept. I felt judged and misunderstood. I didn't love myself a lot of the time. I sought identity in so many unhealthy places such as relationships, false intimacy, the gym, or grades. I cried tears of betrayal and loneliness. I placed entirely too much expectation on people in my life, and in turn got very hurt. All the while, constantly praying and saying "God, are you there? Can you hear me? Why aren't you doing anything?"
If you're reading this, I can bet that you've had a similar experience to me in which you've prayed to God about something and it hasn't been done. Wherever you're at spiritually, whether you're a devout follower of Christ, a skeptical or an atheist, I hope you'll keep reading. I don't have the answers as to why God doesn't answer our prayers in the way that we sometimes hope but, I must say, I'm thankful He doesn't. I think back on some of the prayers I prayed and let me just say, I would be a completely different person if The Lord answered some of the prayers I prayed growing up.
God always answers His children with one of three responses: Yes. No. Wait. Much of the time, the answer for me is wait, which seems to be the hardest. Trusting The Lord in a season of unknown is very difficult when living in a world where we are supposed to have the next five years of our lives planned out and I don't even know what I'm doing next weekend.
The most recent prayer that I had been praying for the past nine months was for my friend Lacie, who took her life almost a month ago. I had been praying every day for her. That God would show her how loved she is and how much worth she has, despite how she viewed herself. I prayed so much for that girl and when I found out she took her life, I was angry at God. I yelled and screamed and did not have any idea why God would allow something so terrible to happen. God WHY? I don't know the answer, and that's okay. I trust that it will be used for good in some way at some point.
I have several friends in the LGBT community who have prayed for the majority of their lives to be attracted to the opposite sex. Night after night begging God to take it away. Pleading with God to change their hearts and minds. Yet, nothing changed. During my battle with pornography, I would pray and pray and cry out to God and ask Him to heal me. To cleanse me from the inside out. To take this terrible addiction away from me. I felt distant from The Lord. I felt like He was silent when I was hurting so bad. However, the teacher is always silent during the test.
Then one night in mid November, it hit me. I had been relying on myself solely to recover and heal. I had been asking God to take something away that I myself was not willing to give up. This realization really got me thinking how much we actually love our sin. We don't even WANT to break free from some of the things holding us captive. Think about it, when you ask God to take something away or bring you something and He doesn't do that, what do you do? You get angry with God and run. Just like the story of Jonah in the Bible, we run in the opposite direction that God has called us. We say "God I'll do it, just not now." but delayed obedience is just disobedience. I am speaking from personal experience here so don't get too offended.
Why do we get so weighed down by the things of this world? Because we place too much expectation and worth in worldly things. Jobs, friendships, school grades, our physical appearance, financial stability, future. These are not evil things in and of themselves, but when place our worth in something other than Christ, when that thing falls, so do we.
So the answer to my beginning question is yes. God is there. He is always there. He is always listening and He sees you. In your brokenness, He sees you. In your tears, He holds you. In your heartache, He heals you. Beloved, open your eyes and begin to see. See that the present struggle is just a blink of an eye compared to the eternal joy that's coming. Press on. Keep your chin up and strive to find something you're thankful for, even if that's the ice cream in your freezer, because for me sometimes it is. Train your heart to be in a constant place of adoration and gratitude. For what The Lord has done and what He will do. We have that promise.
I challenge you to evaluate your heart before praying next time. If you're praying for God to take an addiction or stronghold away, first ask yourself if you really want to be an overcomer or if you want to sit in pity. Sit down and really think through whether you're willing to give it up, to lay it at the cross. Give God a chance. What have you got to lose? Create a plan of action with steps as to what you're going to do, and begin. The journey of a lifetime begins with one step. So come on, what's holding you back?
