You may be familiar with the epic poem Inferno by Dante Alighieri. He envisioned hell to have nine circles, with each circle containing punishment for specific sins. The deepest circles were reserved for the most egregious offenses.

Dante was a brilliant writer and his tale will tickle the imagination of generations to come; however, he was incorrect in labeling the ninth circle as the last circle of eternal punishment. There is a lower circle, the tenth circle. This circle is reserved for those who appreciate pineapple on their pizza.

If you have not read the Inferno, you may be confused about the seriousness of this crime; you have no frame of reference to understand the depths of this matter. Dante listed nine circles, each one including torture more horrific than the last: Limbo, Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Anger, Heresy, Violence, Fraud, and lastly, Treachery.

The punishment fits the crime, and strong winds tear at the sinners suffering in the circle of Lust; their gusts of passion forever sentencing them to a whirling eternity. Deeper into hell, the sinners who committed acts of vicious Violence are trapped sinking in boiling blood forever. Likewise, those who eat pizza topped with pineapple deserve to be as disgusted as normal people are when they must watch the ravenous consumption of Hawaiian pizza.

The tenth circle of Hell, the inevitable fate of pineapple pizza lovers, contains the most revolting tortures imaginable. The deceptive Hawaiian pizza (created in Canada) embodies the most offensive evil humankind hopes to avoid: a perfectly good, honest, humble cheese pizza assaulted by the presence of sometimes sweet, sometimes dry, pineapple chunks.

Therefore, pineapple pizza lovers will suffer the most excruciating pain for eternity. This pain is constant. These sinners must watch old naked people dance to the cha cha slide, forever.

This is not an argument against pineapple on pizza. It is a definitive fact that pineapple does not belong on pizza, much like the fact that Rudolph has a red nose, puppies are adorable, etc. This is a warning to all you pineapple sinners: if you continue your heretic ways, you'll be destined to some disgusting eternal torture.