I've been having the same argument with God for 8 years. From the outside, it's been a quiet, unnoticed argument. But on the inside, it's been frustration, disappointment and sometimes very lonely. It was an argument that made me question a lot. I used to think I was handing God the hardest case He had ever had to deal with. My sin was worse than anyone else's. I was expecting to be punished by him. For Him to turn away from me at any second and let me know that how I felt was unforgivable. But the only punishment I felt was from those around me who knew God too.

It didn't start when I came out. The unfollowing and unfriending came a little bit before that. I had gone through high school with all these people. I spent week nights and weekends celebrating life with those that I had found God with. We were living the best life. We did the opposite of what you see in the movies. No drinking, no smoking, no hooking up. We were just fun. And 100% unapologetically ourselves. It was really beautiful when I think about it. I had such a great foundation. People I could run to when the going got tough. They would point me right to the Bible and hold my hand as I talked to the big guy upstairs about what was troubling me. It may sound like typical, boring religious BS that everyone hates. But it was so much more than that. Instead of surrendering our every move and thought to God, we were just bringing Him along for the ride that was high school. The halls of my school felt a little more positive and a lot more encouraging when I knew there were so many people who were looking at a relationship with God as a cool thing to be proud of.

But then we graduated and things changed.

It's typical for people to lose touch after high school. But it's easier to stay in touch when all of your friends are at the same school as you. I was the only one in my entire group of friends who didn't go to a college with at least 1 other person we knew. I went far, far away. I prayed that distance wouldn't change how I felt about God. And that my friends wouldn't have an "out of sight, out of mind" attitude towards me. But both of those things proved to be very difficult.

I got into the fun parts of college pretty quickly. To this day I argue that I never left God to find something else to "fill the God shaped hole". I just let myself be normal. I found a group of friends that quickly became my family. And for the first time in a very long time, God wasn't the reason that I had made friends (ok, He might have been the reason. But He wasn't what we had in common). I was having a BLAST. And still staying in contact with Him as much as I could remember. But I was also noticing that a lot of people back home were slowly fading out of my life. Which sucked. I would like to throw a Jamie Foxx on that and Blame It on the Alcohol. I was partying and drinking. Like 99% of the college aged population. But it wasn't what was expected or accepted by some of those that I had been so close to just 5 months before.

Then came sophomore year. I really threw a curveball at them all.

I had always known the feelings were there. But I had also always pushed them way down. I know that if I had come out sooner, I would have still had an extremely supportive family. And I would have found the right crowd in high school. I don't regret not coming out in high school. I did It when it was right for me and I will always celebrate the love I felt when I did. I'm just shocked at how uncomfortable I apparently made a lot of people I graduated high school with. A lot of people that I had grown to truly love and admire. It happened quickly too. As soon as I made my relationship public I saw the friends list number go way down. I started to notice that even those who had lead me to know God's love had turned their back to me because of who I love down here on earth. It still blows my mind!!

Some may think that I have every right to be mad at God for that. Or to even totally turn my back to my faith. But I think this experience has changed my relationship with Him into something entirely more personal. I think most people have the wrong idea about who God is and what he exemplifies. It's frustrating. If God has taught us anything, it's that our job down on earth is to love one another like He loved and loves us.

Here are two verses for proof in case any of you out there want to fight me on it:

1 Peter 4:8: "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins."

John 15:12: "My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you."

1 Corinthians 16:14: "Do everything in love."

Isn't that beautiful? What is more uplifting than the all mighty power telling us to just love? For anyone that has ever loved anyone, you know how good it feels. I wish that I could live my life feeling the way I feel whenever I see my fiancé cuddling with our two dogs! That's love! And it makes the heart swell!

1 Corinthians 16:14: "Do everything in love."

My relationship with God is a struggle let me tell you. And just because I don't have Bible verses hung all over my house, or a cross dangling from my neck, doesn't mean that I don't seek Him in the hard times and thank Him for the good ones.

I recently saw a quote from Micah Murray, a designer who also writes about his complicated relationship with God:

"I don't ask as many questions about religion these days as I did a year or two ago. Not because I have more answers. Rather, because I've come to accept (with varying degrees of resentment) that the human experience is quite unlikely to give me the answers I want."

And if that isn't the damn truth. Amen, if you will.

I still love those I got to know God with. Those memories will never go away, and I am so grateful to have found my group in high school. Like I said, I don't regret any choices I have made. Those friends were there for me when they were supposed to be. God did a great job when He picked us out as a group of friends.

Who can say who God loves. It's not your right nor your responsibility. It doesn't matter if you have a public or private relationship with Him. It doesn't matter if you claim to lead or need to be lead. God decided a long time ago what my life was going to be like. He sat down on His thrown and drew out my life just like anybody. I like to imagine He just drew a rainbow next to my name and called it a day.