He shakes, as he awaits an experience of sharing his emotions out loud, so raw and pure. He exaggerates the truth and tells me that his heart is beating out of his chest, but I know that’s just the poet within him. It’s time for him to go up and he looks at me with drowning eyes that speak more words than his poems ever will. He breathes in through his nose and out through his mouth, heavily. He stands... He walks... He speaks…
But how does he feel?
Alex is always contradicting himself without realizing it. Alex has depth. Similar to most people, he goes through some rough times. Such as being adopted, dealing with depression, having a blind mother, living with a “crazy” sister, and relying on an unreliable “cheating asshole” of a father. Though vulnerable and quite open towards expressing these topics, he gives off the vibe that he “doesn’t give a shit” in order to block out any real emotions from being expressed. Luckily, this wall he builds around his insecurities has a window, and It’s possible to see right through him.
In society, people are deeper than they come off to be. With Alex it’s like digging to China; you can never dig deep enough.
Alex, a 16-year-old boy living in New Jersey with a daily routine which consists of basically hating everyone around him, is quite interesting. Though Alex has a tendency to answer questions in a negative way, beneath the facade, he really is a caring person. For example, when asking Alex what he would do if he only has 20 minutes left to live, he doesn’t hesitate to say that he would “kill all the people [he] hates” and he claims he “hates a lot of people.” Even though Alex says this, only half is true. This is more apparent when, directly after he says this, as I’m about to ask the next question he defends himself by saying that he “wouldn’t kill them in reality” and that “[he] doesn’t actually hate everyone.” When catching on to his shift in tone, it’s easy to see that what Alex says isn’t always how Alex feels.
Though Alex tends to have a negative outlook on a lot of people, his reasons are valid. Alex is hurt from the past to the extent where he admits, “forgiveness does not come easily” for him. He doesn’t just call his dad an asshole for no reason, he calls him that because not only did his dad cheat on his blind wife (because she was blind), but he also causes Alex to live with what he claims to be his biggest regret. When asked what his biggest regret is, Alex tells me, that this regret also happens to be the reason why his father left Alex’s mother. Alex explains that his dad told Alex that when he was little, he went up to his frowning dad who was in bed with his mother and said: “You look really unhappy today, Daddy.” Which, according to this Alex's father, is the reason his father says he “decided to get a divorce.” It’s hard imagining those words coming out of a father’s mouth. But when beginning to imagine it, it’s clear why Alex refers to his dad as an asshole, and why forgiving people is so difficult.
Underneath these layers, there is a part of Alex who is extremely sensitive and caring towards others. Though he has a tendency to be negative, you can tell by the way he talks about his passions and values in life that he has this amazing side to him. When his eyes smile, while talking about the aspects of life he does love, It's easy to find yourself forgetting the person he makes himself out to be and putting on lenses that only allow you to see the great parts of Alex that he often hides.
Alex’s face lights up when he talks about his passion for poetry. He smiles, while telling me that he doesn’t “love things the way he loves poetry” and how poetry often feels like the only thing he can “do.” Alex expresses to me that poetry is the reason he keeps going, and explains how without poetry he wouldn't be the person he is today. When asked about who he values most in his life, Alex, without any hesitation, says his mom. He goes on this beautiful tangent on how his mom and he have “this connection... where she’s blind, and [he’s] a teenager. [He] can’t go anywhere without her help and she can’t go anywhere without [his] help. So it’s like [they] can’t let go of each other.”
Alex appreciates a lot of aspects of life. Though sometimes he doesn’t come off that way, he’s a person who cares for people more than I can fathom. Alex says, when coming to this creative writing program at Emerson College, that “this is a new life for [him]” and with that, we can only hope, comes happiness.
