Transferring can be very difficult, especially for someone very stubborn and committed once starting something. After spending two years at Wayne State College, I made a decision to transfer. The day after our basketball season ended, I told my coach I wasn’t going to come back next year. I didn’t know where I was going, but it wasn’t going to be there. That was something that was very difficult for me to do. The last thing I wanted to do was transfer. If you had told me when I went into my freshman year that I would be transferring, I would have told you you’re crazy. But God put a lot of circumstances in my life last year to pull me away, or rather to pull me into His arms. (I guess He knew He would have to put me through a lot to convince me to leave).
As I looked around at schools, I really felt my heart pulling me towards Bethel. I have a friend that was already on the basketball team here, and it was clear to me that God had a special purpose for putting her in my life. But particular people close to me were not very supportive at the time of this decision. I would be giving up my basketball scholarship to attend Bethel, which was definitely going to make a dent in the bank account. Regardless, I told them this is where God wanted me to be, so this is where I would be.
Throughout the summer, I spent some time with my new teammates and I absolutely loved them. I couldn’t wait to be a part of their family. But even though I felt so much love and support, I struggled with a lot of anxiety. I struggled recovering from an unhealthy relationship, with the fear of transferring, and with my family, among many other things. I had no inner peace. It felt like God had taken something from every aspect of my life. It was a daily battle that I took up with God all summer. I felt hopeless, like it would never go away and I would never be happy. I cried out to Him day by day, but nothing seemed to change. I knew going to Bethel wouldn’t just magically take all of my pain away; that was something only my vertical relationship with God could do. I pressed myself to be healed before school started, which only added to my stress.
When I saw everyone from Wayne moving in the week before I did, my heart sank. I felt myself pulling back to the way things were. The only way I knew. But when I came to school, everything started to change. I realized I didn’t have to be fully healed right now; I just had to come before God with all brokenness. When I stopped pressing myself, He started to heal me. I surrendered everything I had and realized what I have here on earth doesn’t matter. All I wanted was what God had for me. It took me the whole summer to fully understand what it meant to completely surrender myself to God. Not just to follow Him, but to give Him everything: my thoughts, my mind, my heart and my soul.
When I look back at the difference in where my heart was six months ago versus where it is now, I can’t help but smile and think about God. My circumstances haven’t necessarily gotten any easier. In fact, He must have found a lot of humor in throwing the whole kitchen sink at me this week. But through it all, I still hold my peace. I don’t know what my future holds, but I know who holds it. My circumstances haven’t changed, but I have. He has made me stronger. I am so excited to see what this semester brings, not because it’s going to be easier, but because I know Who I am doing it for.
