When I reflect on my memories of dance, it always comes back to the people I got to dance with and how dance became my best friend. Over the years, dance allowed me to build relationships with many people, but most importantly, it allowed me to discover and reinvent myself. Sometimes I feel like I learned to dance before I could even walk; so, inevitably, my love and passion for dance started early on.
It wasn’t until high school that dance became a way for me to channel my anger. I started competitive dancing in high school and the first few years, it was for fun, but one day during my junior year, everything changed. I changed. I wasn’t so happy anymore. I had been assaulted in my own room -- the room in which I used to blast music on my iPod and aimlessly dance around it, the room in which I took part in my favorite activity. I didn’t want to eat anymore. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t even want to get up to go to school, mainly because I couldn’t sleep at night. The only thing that forced me to wake up, go to school, smile at everyone I saw and pretend to be fine was knowing that at the end of the day I had dance practice.
Throughout my life, I had danced many different dance styles but at this point in my life, I had picked up a new dance style: Bhangra. Till this day, this is the style of dance I resonate with most. Perhaps it’s because this was one of the most difficult times of my life. Perhaps it’s because dancing through this part of my life was the only thing that kept me from feeling numb inside. Maybe the pain of doing a million betkas (squats) made the pain from the real world feel less. Maybe the vibration of the music on the stage made me feel so full of adrenaline, I felt alive again.
I didn’t want to ever lose that feeling again, so I made sure I found my emotional outlet through dance as I transitioned to college and moved miles and miles away from home. I guess after the incident in high school, home stopped feeling like home, so as I entered college, I searched for a new home and I sure did find it through dance.
I danced on a couple different teams during college. However, I didn’t find home until I got the opportunity to start my own team with the help of some amazing dancers themselves. I struggled a lot through college trying to rediscover myself. I tried to find my way back to who I used to be and I could not have done it without the team I called “my little heartbeats.” Here, I picked up a new style of dance called Fusion, which was a mix of western and eastern styles and just every style of dance I loved in one. Over the last three years, I came across all of these talented dancers that had no idea they were helping me learn to take back my identity just by showing up and dancing with me three days a week.
My dance career was a roller coaster ride. When I graduated from undergrad and began nursing school, I thought my dance career was over. I made the most difficult decision to move back to the place I feared and hated most. I had severe anxiety about having to live in the room where I had been assaulted. I was terrified about leaving the place that my team had made feel like home. What if I lost myself again? What if I fell back into a depressive state and couldn't drag myself out? How was I going to keep myself sane in an environment that was so toxic for me?
The answer was simple, dance. The answer to my problems had always been dance, so why would it be any different this time? It wasn't. So, I rekindled my love for Bhangra and I joined another team. A team full of souls who make me laugh harder than I ever have when all I want to do is cry. A team who makes me feel stronger than I ever have and challenges me to keep fighting when I want to throw the towel in.
Many dancers have impacted my life but nothing compares to the strength you all give me. So to my current dance crew, I give you the sincerest of thanks for being you.
You all make me feel more like me than I ever have. You give me life when I'm tired beyond comprehension. You make everyday a little easier and giving up a little harder. Each and every single one of you has added light to what was complete darkness for me when I moved back to Tampa.
Today, I feel confident, I feel seen, I feel loved, I feel like me. It's because I have all of you in my life. It's because I have the honor of dancing along side a team of warriors who became more like family and next to them, I feel like invincible.
I found myself, lost myself and redefined myself all at once and I never could have done it without the inside jokes, the laughs, the tears and the feeling of being on a stage with the people you love and learn to call family. I never would be who I am if it weren’t for dance.
Yes, dance saved my life, but each one of you did, too.
