It never fails in my life to meet people that I invest time, effort, and love into who either don't truly reciprocate it or ultimately break my heart in the end. It gets old being a good girl with a big heart who loves with all she has, and offers a million second, third, fourth, and fifth chances only to be the one who comes up short.
I have always been able to see the good in everyone even if maybe there actually there wasn't much there. I have always been a believer that people could change and that if you just stick around, they'll see your love and effort and eventually match it. However, time and time again I am proven wrong. Sometimes no matter how hard you try or how great you treat other people, they may not give you the same treatment. This not only reigns true for the guys that I've dated, but also for the friends that I've crossed oceans for who wouldn't cross puddles for me.
I've dated guys who lied, cheated, were controlling, or talked down to me. Guys who broke up with me one day, but wanted to get back together the next. I'm not perfect by any means but I never dished the same back out, and I always tried my hardest. I forgave those who wronged me one too many times, only to have it done again. Though I have no one to blame but me for always choosing to the see the good and sticking around when I didn't have to. I can't help but want to hope for the best and believe that things and people can change. It's an awful feeling to have someone give up on you, and I never wanted to give up on anyone else. Even if they deserved it.
Being hurt one too many times has made trusting someone or having hope that there's someone who will be different extremely difficult. It's hard to be fair to those you have just met or those who have never wronged you because you believe it just hasn't happened yet, but it will in due time. It feels nearly impossible to see that anyone will ever treat me the way that I treat them or the way that I deserve to be treated.
I know in my heart that God has plans for me and that he is in control. I know my love story has already been written. However, I must admit that at times in my darkest moments I find myself reflecting on, and being bitter about all the times I've been hurt. When something has happened to you repeatedly there seems to be no chance of an alternate ending. I find myself being reluctant to give new things or people a chance. I struggle to convince myself that it's a good idea to try again or give someone new a chance. It has been a tough battle within myself to break down the walls I've built, even when there is someone willing to climb over them.