You tried, didn't you?
You tried being casual, even though the way he hooked his arm around the nameless girl's waist made you hold your breath more than any of his kisses did.
You tried being unattached, even though there was a moment when the cobalt lights hit his face just right and you swore you saw a flash of the future in his eyes.
You tried as you fought the urge to text first. You tried as you disregarded how badly the title of "friend" stung and swallowed it with pride like it were a shot of vodka. You tried as you hugged him and laughed at his jokes with his buddies and ignored how wrong it felt. You tried playing the game.
You tried, even though it was killing you.
To the girl who just can't seem to get it right:
You tried to change.
But you will always laugh a little too loudly and love too violently and feel too deeply for some people. You will always want to know about their older sister and their favorite memories and their dreams before you know every curve of their body. You will always wish for thunderstorms on weekends and miss your favorite places from childhood and have the strange urge to sink into emotional intimacy at three in the morning.
They will see these glimpses of you. No matter how hard you try to bury it, your heart is on your sleeve. It'll break you because they won't want it, they won't want you and all that you have to offer. Not in the way you wish they would.
And believe it or not, that's okay.
It's not you.
When it's the right person, it will never be you.
The right person will cherish those late night conversations when it's just your whispers against each other's skin and the sounds of traffic humming in the background.
The right person will love you for all the ways you're able to be vulnerable and understand all the ways you're not.
The right person will hear your ridiculously loud laugh and it will light them up inside because it'll be their favorite sound in the whole world.
The right person will be enamored by the highlighted passages in your favorite books and the quotes and verses you plan to ink onto your skin one day and the way you keep ticket stubs and Polaroids in a box under your bed.
The right person will be intoxicated by you, even though you have always wondered who could see the way you get too excited over your favorite TV shows and your tendency to overanalyze every single conversation and your breakdowns at midnight and the scars of your past and still want you.
The right person will come running to your side when you need them. And they will stay.
The right person will love you for everything you are, and everything you are not. You may wear your heart on your sleeve, but the right person will know—you wear it well.
You will never be "too much" for the right person, because they will be enough to handle you.
And you will be enough for them, too.
“what about this theory. the fear of not being enough. and the fear of being 'too much.' are exactly the same fear. the fear of being you.”
- nayyirah waheed
