The holiday season is upon us. I love this time of year for many reasons, shopping, music, cinnamon almonds at the mall, Rudolph on television, and time with family. We will soon start seeing Old Navy ads with beautiful people in cool sweaters and expensive cars with red bows on top waiting in driveways on our televisions. We will be bombarded with images of perfect family holiday celebrations and we can start to have some unrealistic expectations about what it should look and feel like.
The Dream
In my home growing up, we celebrated Christmas with church, parties, good food, and presents. Every year on my list of presents I wanted was some sort of outrageous animal. Some years it was a pony, others a monkey, cats, bunnies, and the longest running was an orangutan. I believed with all my heart that these things were possible thanks to a big imagination, television, and a total denial of reality. For obvious reasons the exotic animals should have been ruled out as fantasy but also some of the others for reasons I was denying. We lived in the city, there was no where to keep a pony. We had a large dog that would think a bunny was a chew toy and my dad was allergic to cats. I had been led to believe that anything is possible by watching television shows where all your dreams came true on Christmas.
Family
Television movies, commercials and shows made me think that the holidays were when all was set aside for the sake of togetherness. Families would come together, eat a wonderful meal and after dad hung the lights, mom made cookies, and the kids had hot cocoa in comfy pajamas. Remember those commercials where the kid would come home from college and make coffee downstairs to wake his parents up? Me too, and it has only occurred to me as an adult that this was so weird. Why was he home so early in the morning? They didn't know he was coming? He could have scared his poor mother to death, sneaking in the house like that on Christmas morning. What if they had no presents for him since he didn't even tell them he was coming-awkward! In my home growing up there was no hanging of the lights by dad, we spent Christmas day traveling around to every grandparents house collecting presents and food while taking occasional trips outside to relieve the stinging in our eyes from the cigarette smoke. There was drinking, swearing, and occasionally tension and fighting. My family wasn't horrible, they loved each other but they sure as heck weren't like the families in the holiday commercials.
Reality
The reality of the holiday season is that it can be stressful. There are expectations of gifts but maybe not enough money to provide that. There may be competing interests in how you spend your time and where. Family issues can rear their ugly heads and fights can break out. Holidays are so difficult after a loss of a loved one. It can be a harsh reminder of their absence and your grief. There are families that avoid each other on holidays because they don't agree with another's lifestyle or life choices. Maybe there is addiction, incarceration, abuse, or severe dysfunction in families that cause them to avoid each other during the holidays. Your parents may want you to go to their church services and you are having serious doubts about your faith. So many things can be going on that make the holidays feel anything but warm and fuzzy.
Do What Works For You
It is important to acknowledge that you may be holding onto an unrealistic expectation of the holidays. After you figure out what those images and expectations are, you can work to have a more realistic picture of what is really going to happen and plan ways to take care of yourself through it all. If you recently lost someone in your family, give yourself and others permission to grieve. Understand that your holiday might be forever different without that person and just accept the weirdness that comes. Let yourself make a plan for the holidays and set boundaries for your interactions with others. This ensures that you are not leaving the experience up to them. If you know your family starts to gear up their drinking around nine o'clock, leave at eight thirty and save yourself some grief. If certain topics always cause a fight, avoid the conversation. If you are broke, let everyone know that you will not be taking part in gift exchanges. If your family gives you hives, plan to spend the holidays with friends instead.
It can be hard to navigate all of the expectations around the holidays and it is okay to feel a little less cheery than you think you should be. Sometimes taking a step back and deciding for yourself what this season really means to you can bring you some peace. Sometimes you just have to roll with it in the moment but can decide later how you would like to do it differently next year. As for me, I'll be waiting patiently by the window for my husband to pull that luxury car with the bow on it into our driveway. Just kidding, I'll be the one in the elf hat at Target eating the cinnamon almonds!
