Life is strange (as if the video game title didn't summarize life enough). Everybody goes through this thing we like to call "heartbreak." Now, while I would love to discuss other topics that are prevalent in my life such as mental health, my new job, and my journey to self-love and self-acceptance, I don't think I can talk about those without getting this out of the way first.
Heartbreak is weird.
Heartbreak is weird because the moment you break it off, everything changes so fast. The person who was a huge part of your life for a period of time quickly becomes the person you pass on the street and don't say a word to, almost as if those months never happened. They quickly become the person who you keep at a distance when they were once the one closest to you. Every time you're in the same room as them, you're content, yet you hurt. You hurt for all the memories that flash behind your eyes, turning from color to black and white as the memories dissolve as fast as they did, out of reach. Unable to relive. Unable to bring back.
As you delete every text message and wipe away every tear, you feel like you're losing a part of yourself. The sharp inhale as you scroll through your camera roll a little too quickly, never allowing your eyes to linger in fear that everything will be brought back. You hit shuffle on the all too familiar playlist, the one playing in the car during every drive that summer, each song tied to a memory, tied to that person. It all comes racing back with every note, with every word. The way your heart clenches unbearably in your chest as your fingers sweep over the letters glued in your journal, the ones you can't bring yourself to reread yet again. All of the history haunting you, seeing the ghost of this person in your bedroom, in your house. Seeing the ghost of your former self, smiling like an idiot in your very bed with every text from them and with every night you spent on the phone for hours at a time.
The thing that hurts the most about memories isn't the fact you'll never get to go back. No.
The thing that hurts the most is remembering how happy you were at that very moment, a moment you can't return to.
The thing that hurts the most is being smacked back into reality and being forced to return to your new life, the one where they're hardly in. You go from hanging out any chance you got and talking every night to glances from across the room. You go from telling someone how much you want to be with them to walking away, having to readjust your life to no longer need them. And just like that, without any warning, everything you once had slips away right before your eyes.
After this person walks out of your life, you will never be the same again. In my case, that was a good thing for me. Even though I was having thoughts about breaking up with this person before the actual breakup, it didn't make the mourning period any easier.
I was in love.
I felt loads of emotions that some people only dream of. I gave someone a huge part of myself only to have that taken away from me, even if it was for the best. You see, the thing about heartbreak is even though it feels like your entire world has shattered around you, you have to remember that it happened for a reason. You have to reflect on your past relationship and learn from it. You have to grow from it. You have to resist the temptation to go back to that person, even when it feels familiar and even when it feels safe. That was my biggest problem: resisting the urge. This person was my best friend and when we broke up, it felt like I not only lost my partner, but my best friend, too. I didn't know what I was going to do or how I was ever going to get over it.
But, let me assure you of one thing: You will move on, and you will be better for it.
However, just because you have moved on, it doesn't mean you will never hurt again because you will. You will go on with your life, making more memories and meeting new people, but that part of your life will always exist. That person doesn't just disappear because you have moved on. Your heart might even still ache from time to time. But, as time goes on like it always does, you will find that the aching and tears happen less and less until it no longer occurs. It will happen until you start smiling instead of crying because even though that part of your life is no longer a reality, you will start smiling because it happened.
You will always love that person because they were once the most important person in your life and eventually, you will be thankful for the memories you shared and everything they taught you because even though heartbreak is the worse, it's just one heartbreak away from finding the person who you will spend forever with. Once that happens, you will finally understand why it never worked out, to begin with.
