If George Fox Had An Awards Show

The Oscars happened this Sunday. But here's the problem: I'm not really into the Oscars. Or much of any other awards show. Partially because I don't have access to TV and partially because I don't keep up with movies and partially because I just don't really care.

However, something I do have access to, keep up with and care about is my college campus. Therefore, I've decided to produce my own award categories for George Fox University.

1. Best workers at the Bruin Den/Bruin Bites.

All of them. Literally, just, all of them. They are such pleasant people and very hard workers who always find space to be kind and try their darnedest to remember your name. That place turns into a zoo from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m. every weekday, and they handle impatient college students and frantic orders quite well. They are wonderful and just need an award, I think.

2. Best unofficial campus pastor.

Joe Thouvenel. He may not stand on the stage every Wednesday night, but you can't count how many spiritual, academic, existential and vocational crises he has resolved.

3. Most harmless destruction.

The quad's trees. How many times has a 40-foot tree fallen on this campus??? And how many times has anything of importance been destroyed??? Exactly.

4. Most quiet study space.

Second floor of the library.

5. Least quiet study space.

First floor of the library.

6. Aesthetic that most closely matches that of an abandoned prison.

This one's all yours, currently-under-construction, soon-to-be Student Activity Center.

7. Best dorm.

HMS. I say this for one reason only: when I lived in HMS my freshman year, we had the hashtag "#HMSisbest," and I've unquestioningly and irrevocably accepted that as Truth. HMS is best.

8. Worst bathroom.

Lemmons. Is. The. Worst. That divider thing right by the door makes it impossible to even enter. There's always a line, and there's never space for a line. Half the toilets are crooked and half the stall doors don't really close. It feels like you're breathing in the world's sin; you'd think those violently loud vents in the classrooms would mean there's decent ventilation in the building, but Lord, no. If the experience of having a class in Lemmons isn't bad enough, you'll probably need to use the bathroom after class and your day will probably get worse because of it.

9. Best windows/view.

Canyon commons. With the prayer chapel coming in close second.

10. Worst stairs.

Those cement ones going from the canyon up to HMS. It's impossible to win. Two steps is too much. One step is not enough. One wrong step and you'll tumble down the hill. Ignore the stairs altogether and your calves will feel like you just summited Mt. Everest. (Runner-up terrible stairs go to Hoover).

11. Best clock.

Tower. The rest of the campus clocks are inconsistent... but the clock tower is inconsistent in such a unique way. If there truly is a pattern to that thing's timing and song choice, whichever student cracks the code deserves free tuition, I think. And the clock tower deserves some sort of award for everything it does for this campus (namely, making for a good logo).

What other categories should be added in a George Fox awards show?