Theatre season is upon us, and high schools and colleges are probably having auditions for their musicals. Everyone knows that theatre kids are the most popular people, like, ever, and I’m guessing you want a piece of that. All the itchy costumes and midnight rehearsals, all the awkward dressing room moments where the phrase “no homo” is uttered at least a dozen time a minute… Well, what if I said I could get you a piece of the action? See, to get a part in a musical, the first thing you need to do is audition, and I have the perfect songs to audition with.

1) “Dancing Queen” from Mamma Mia

At loss for what to audition with? Here’s a good start! Guys, show off those moves and those falsettos, because with this track, you’re going to have to fight off all the directors wanting to cast you. “Dancing Queen” is a hymn to joy and youth, and if they don’t like the audition, it’s their fault and they’re anti-happiness and are probably a Disney villain in disguise.

2) “Christmas Song” from Alvin and the Chipmunks, slowed down to 1/2 speed

Yeah, this thing’s a waking nightmare. Do it. Look it up on the internet, like, now. Be amazed.

3) Anything from Book of Mormon

If you aren’t offending anyone, you aren’t doing it right.

4) The Communist Manifesto

Surprise the director with a dramatic reading of the Communist Manifesto! Not only will he or she be pleasantly surprised, but also enlightened by the teachings of greats like Marx and Lenin and bloggers on the internet. Once they learn that capitalism is a broken system, and that communism is the only way for our country to survive the 21^st century, they will gladly assist you in seizing the means of production. While they’re distracted by overthrowing the government, you can snag that role and attract all the cute theatre-ladies.

5) Literally just twenty seconds of screaming

The greatest thing you can audition with, of course, is literally just twenty seconds of screaming. It shows off lung capacity, vocal range, and intimidates the director into casting you. It’s wonderful, and while I haven’t tried it myself, it looks good on paper, so someone else should try it. Say, I wonder what else looks good on paper.

Happy auditioning, boys! Tell me when you’re on Broadway!