1. My parents would tell me when I was younger that if I did not eat my vegetables, that I would turn purple. I was always worried that if I did not eat enough salad or green beans I would not remain a normal human color. Well mom and dad, I did some research. There is no recorded case of someone turning purple from their poor diet choices, they just get diabetes.
2. Curious about the human anatomy, I asked my dad about the function of some of my body parts. I found out that my mouth chews food, my eyes see, my feet are for walking, my nose for smelling, and that my belly button will detach my legs if pressed hard enough.
3. My mom told me the classic, “if you keep making that face it will stick that way.” In response I would change the face I was making rapidly going from one silly face to the next. She then warned me that I was stretching my face too much and that it would eventually fall off.
4. Whenever my dad would make a bad dad joke, he would insist and blame it on the Super Dad book he had. All dads get one right after they have their first child. That is why most of them tell the same jokes and say the same things. The more of the book he reads, the more textbook dad he became. This is yet to be disproven.
5. For the longest time I avoided drinking coffee because my dad told me that it would stunt my growth. I told him I did not believe him, but I was afraid of what would happen if he was right. To this day he insists it is why I am not as tall as he is.
6. My little sister used to have a creepy doll that was very interactive. It talked, it cried, it needed fed and naturally changed as well. Much like an actual child, it had no concept of time and was not considerate to others. It would cry in the middle of the night until someone fed or changed it. One night the crying stopped, for good. The next morning we found out that the doll’s batteries had died and the store "did not sell replacement batteries for that specific toy." Something does not add up here though. I did some digging, and that doll took four AA batteries.
7. My blissful nose-picking days were cut short when my dad informed me that if I was not careful, I would end up tickling my brain and bits o' brain would then leak out my nose. I made a conscious decision to try to keep all the brain that I had left.
8. We used to have rabbits in small cages in our backyard. One day we came home to find the cages knocked over on their sides and the doors wide-open. I panicked and thought that a dog had devoured them, or worse, the Big Bad Wolf. My mom quickly assured me that they had just made a prison break and were absolutely fine. I always pictured them sun-tanning on the beaches of Mexico like her statement suggested.
9. When crossing the street, I was informed that I needed to hold on tight to my parent’s hands or else I would float away like a balloon or be flattened into a pancake and served for breakfast.
10. I was an aspiring harmonicist from a young age. I had a harmonica that was bright gold in color and had Silver Dollar City etched on the side. I never had any lessons, but my technique of playing random notes as loudly as possible was spot on. I could even play a song with no hands. It involved the same chord in repetition and syncopated with my breathing. Despite being a prodigy, my playing stopped after my dad told me a story about one of his friends from his childhood. This friend of his played the harmonica all the time and went everywhere with one. Then one day, he tripped and swallowed it. The poor boy was never able to speak again, not even to tell people what had happened to him. All he could do was play the blues.
