Ah, asexuality. One of those many orientations that many people like to call “pretend.”

Let’s just take that for granted and get to the part I like—talking about why I’m right about something. In this case, why I’m right about the fact that sex is the second worst thing one could ever be a part of, aside from running through a forest blindfolded and not being able to tell if those are leaves or spider webs you’re touching. So here are a few reasons why I find sex to be only slightly less awful than the possibility of being covered with spiders.

1. It’s Sweaty

If I’m sitting perfectly still in my un-air-conditioned room in the middle of summer, I get a bit damp. I then promptly hop into a cold shower and then, a few minutes later, when the sweat inevitably comes back, I give up and just try to ignore how disgusting I feel. I can’t stand my own sweat, and I imagine that having someone else sweating all over me would be twice as unbearable.

2. It Involves Fluids

Somehow, as a society, we’ve collectively decided that some bodily fluids are better than others. Personally, I want absolutely no bodily fluids that don’t come from me to be in or around me at any time. Hell, I don’t even like my bodily fluids all that much. Especially when I choke on my spit right in the middle of talking to someone. Or when they’re spilling out of me in a week-long blood fest. No thank you. Keep them away.

3. It May Result In Babies

I don’t like babies. I don’t have the patience for them, I don’t like hearing them cry, and I’m way too selfish to ever take care of one. So why on earth would I risk getting saddled with one because some guy wanted to put his dick inside me for a few minutes?

4. It Ruins The Bed

If my bed is all made up, the last thing I want to do is roll around getting sweat and fluids all over it. How often do most people have sex? Every night? Every other night? Two times a week? How often do you people wash your sheets? You do wash them, right?

5. It’s Too Much Work

I can get off just fine on my own, thank you very much. I don’t need to be worrying about someone else enjoying it at the same time. That just requires me to do more work. And, according to every movie, TV show, and book ever written, most people don’t know how to do it right, anyway.

6. It’s Too Much Pressure

Apparently, for a lot of people, the question of when and if they’re going to have sex with someone for the first time can be really stressful. I, on the other hand, have the divine bliss of not having to worry about that. Because my partner and I will not be having sex, ever, because I don’t want to. Instead, we will talk to each other, watch TV together, play together, laugh together, and be glad that we don’t have sex hanging over us like some deity we need to sacrifice our bodies to.