It's true. I am usually so full of joy, but over the past four days, I really have not been. The cause of my underlying anger stems from my (ex) roommate deciding to move out of our apartment without an explanation and blocking my other roommates and me on every single form of social media, including blocking us from seeing her boyfriend's posts (whom I was previously friends with). I have never experienced this before, but my anger came from her taking half of the kitchen with her, and now we're left high and dry without half of our things. You may read this and say "what did you do to the poor girl? beat her up?" and I'd have to say that we honestly have no idea. And when I called her, her mother picked up the phone and told me that my (ex) roommate doesn't owe us an explanation.
So basically, we got broken up with this weekend for no apparent reason. She claimed that "things weren't working out" but I'm failing to see why, but then she proceeded to act like a child about it. Which is fine. It's how she handled it.
What have I learned through all of this? Well, for starters, I absolutely do not like being angry. It's annoying. Having her boyfriend in my English class is even more annoying because It reminds me of the whole situation again and I get worked up.
Secondly, I don't want to forgive her. I really don't. But I'm learning that with all of this anger in my heart, it's so hard to have room for the overwhelming joy that I get to experience through Christ. You really cannot have a hardened heart and still have joy. That's not how it works, and I'm finding that out.
Third, I'm carrying a lot of sadness with my anger. I'm saddened by the fact that my (ex) roommate didn't feel like she could talk to me about anything, and now I'm looking into myself and all of my flaws a lot more than I usually do. So, basically, I've turned to an insecure mess who's constantly overthinking how I treat people. I'm also saddened because my (ex) roommate is a volunteer for a very large campus ministry and now I'm unable to go and enjoy that, because I, myself, am a little scared of being confronted.
Lastly, anger spreads quicker than joy. If I'm joyous, it's hard to know why and spread it. But if I'm angry and screaming in my apartment over the fact that our salt and pepper shakers are now gone, my other roommates will easily join me because we're all angry. And that actually happened yesterday I believe. Being angry is spreading, and I miss having a home that is full of joy.
The question that remains is "What can I do now?" and the answer is nothing. There is nothing that I can do to control or change the situation. There is nothing that I can say at the moment (or want to say) to repair that relationship.
I just have to sit here and let God do the work in my heart to forgive her. I have to keep reminding myself that no matter how angry I am, Jesus died for her too. And that fact means that I'm not any better than she is since Jesus died for me and also died for her.
